"Biblical Mentoring For Women: Our Titus 2 Calling" is a featured post by Ellen at the Biblical Counseling Coalition Blog. Please click on the link here to read it.
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Trusting God in a Year of Surprises and Challenges: The Word of Hope Ministries Story There are four criteria I look for in a Biblical Counseling Resource:
1. A strong Gospel-centered approach. 2. Personal application to my own heart. 3. Equipping for my personal ministry as a counselor, mentor and trainer. 4. Equipping for my students to grow their knowledge and skill as counselors and mentors. Dr. Bob Kellemen’s new work “Gospel-Centered Counseling” from the Equipping Biblical Counselors series did not disappoint in any of the four criteria. The first of a two-part series, this book offers a Biblical approach for helping others. The second book to be released later, “Gospel Conversations” promises to pick up where this book left off by training readers to develop Biblical Counseling competencies. This is an important equipping series for a new generation of Biblical Counselors. Strong Gospel-centered approach: Bob is quick to explain the term “gospel-centered” so that the reader understands that this is not just a “bandwagon” he has jumped on or the use of a “buzzword.” He has done an excellent job explaining what gospel centeredness truly is and why it is a necessary approach to counseling. “I’d prefer to think gospel centeredness reflects Paul, who said, “I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.” (Rom. 1:16). Introduction, p.15 Personal application: Bob weaves case studies in and out of this text. Anytime we read case studies, of course we hope to have our counseling skills honed. But we should also look at our own heart issues in those places where we can relate to the counselee. I found myself relating to various aspects of the life stories that are used to show us how the counselor guides the counselee in the process of heart change. Anyone who has counseled others knows that our own hearts are often changed in the process along with the counselee's. This type of relating is something I want to always do in my own counseling and what I want my counseling students to learn to do as well. Equipping for my personal ministry: It is a breath of fresh air to have such a truly gospel-centered “text book” in this season of counseling ministry. I was challenged to consider my own approach to counseling by the “8 Ultimate Life Questions” that headlined much of the book’s teaching. The book builds on concepts based on these 8 questions such as “Where can we find answers?” and “Who is God and how can we know Him personally?” as well as “How do we find peace with God?” and “How do people change?” and more. The answers to the 8 questions are found in God’s Word itself, and we are taken there throughout the text. Bob skillfully and thoroughly takes us through theology and practical application in a user-friendly manner that is applicable to both experienced and new counselors. I most appreciated the practical discussion on “theology for life.” We are taken on a journey throughout the book following Paul’s ministry in the book of Colossians where many counseling riches are mined. Bob points out in chapter 15 that we are always drawn back to the critical question “What is our source of wisdom?” We are given a systematic theology lesson all throughout “Gospel-Centered Counseling” that covers ten essential doctrines. “Theology is for life – for life in our broken world. It is an extremely secular, Christless worldview that assumes that we could possibly address life’s ultimate questions apart from God’s sufficient Word.” Chapter 15, p. 250 Equipping for my students: I plan to add Gospel-Centered Counseling to my recommended reading list for my counseling students. I believe that this book could serve as a “mini-textbook” of sorts (although the content is rich, deep and far from “mini”!) It will serve as an excellent reinforcement and addition to the curriculum. It is a one of a kind resource that brings an experienced counselor’s wisdom to the reader for their personal benefit and for the benefit of their ministry. As counseling issues are presented, Bob carefully applies the gospel - the drama of redemption - bringing hope and focusing on the goal of Christ-likeness. This is critical for any student to learn early on. “Whether facing suffering or battling sin, our focus is Christ-centered -- compassionately helping people to respond to what they’re facing fact-to-face with Christ so they become more like Christ.” Chapter 15, p. 249 Bob’s relational and comfortable writing style makes reading this book a joy. He has a way with words, using “tweet-size phrases” to condense concepts in to a user-friendly format that is easy for us to understand. I read this book one time through for the purpose of review. I am currently reading it a second time through because it is so rich and full of concepts that I want to further digest. This book will be a lasting resource in my ministry and in yours as well. No matter what kind of one-another ministry you serve, you will benefit from this valuable work. I’m looking forward to the release of the second book in this equipping series! I have spent my holiday weeks doing several things: I have worked on some work projects, I have spent some time reflecting, I have enjoyed just relaxing at home and being with my family and setting some 2015 goals for ministry and family life.
I have also spent a fair amount of time at doctor’s offices having medical tests. The latter has been the hard part, but it was necessary. I have not felt well for quite awhile, experiencing several random symptoms. I knew something has been “off” but needed medical care to determine exactly what was causing me to feel sluggish and extra tired all the time, suffering from ongoing headaches and debilitating dizziness, unable to find enjoyment in much of anything, and unable to fix any of this even by changing my habits in the past few months. Applying Truth to the worry about the costs of our medical care (knowing God provides our needs even in a tough financial season for my family) and setting aside my fears of what could be going on with me physically and emotionally (is it worse to know or to not-know? I had to ask myself if I really trust God) I started the long process of getting a thorough checkup to rule out the possibilities. I had started to notice signs of depression, which is not something I am prone to normally. Could it simply be that? Or is there a physiological component? If a woman was sitting across from me in my counseling office telling me these things, I would tell her “first thing you need to do is to go get a thorough checkup to rule out anything physical causing you to feel this way.” So I took my own advice after avoiding it for long enough. I was given a diagnosis during this holiday season. I have Diabetes, Type 2. I was not all that surprised, to be honest. Having gestational diabetes when I was pregnant and being overweight most of my adult life set me up to be a ticking time bomb. I have always known this and have never dealt with it properly. I let it slide and avoided adding discipline to my life that would at least prevent the weight issues. All that is in the past, and I repent. Actually, it is still in the present, too, and I must choose to repent daily so that I can walk in the freedom that Christ bought for me. This is how we all must live, not just because of a diagnosis, but also because of Jesus’ finished work on our behalf. The consequences remain, and they are in my court to steward. I am very aware that I am a walking example of the consequences of sin. I also know that I walk in Christ’s forgiveness and that all of this was put on Jesus at His death. How humbling. My gut reaction was to not tell anybody but family and a couple of close friends. I also wanted to hide and cave in to discouragement and just avoid this whole thing, although I know better than to do that. In time, I was convicted of my pride and “fear of man". I am coming clean so that I don’t pretend that I have my “act together” any more than you do. I relate to others better when I (and they) remember that we are all sinners and that it’s a level playing field at the cross. You are right there next to me, so why do I need to pretend that that I don’t struggle just like you? 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” After a few days of feeling very discouraged and scared about the word “Diabetes” – frustrated with myself, frustrated with my body feeling so physically drained and feeling depressed and overwhelmed, I am starting to see the light. I have a stewardship challenge now, a new assignment from God. I am educating myself about the blood sugar issues. I am working with a Nutrition Counselor and my doctor to find the right method of bringing the Diabetes under control. That includes testing my blood sugar, taking daily medication, losing weight, and exercising. I no longer have a choice if I want to live longer. And I do want that! High blood sugar causes symptoms that feel like “depression” but so does disobedience. Some people call this a “wake up call.” I call it God’s mercy. It is also an opportunity to know Him better. Spiritually, this is an opportunity to apply the Gospel to an area of my life that has too long been avoided (by my choosing, which is sin.) I have walked with God long enough and counseled enough people to know that our struggles are not ultimately about us. They are about Him. They are Gospel-opportunities. How will I steward this opportunity? I hope and pray that by refusing to hide about this will allow my testimony to help others. I am nowhere near ongoing victory, but by God’s grace I will get there. I purpose to choose it. What in your life have you avoided dealing with? ~ A relationship conflict? Lack of forgiveness towards someone? Pornography? Overeating? Drinking too much? A sinful thought life that nobody else would know about? Discontent with your circumstances? Laziness or a poor work ethic? Hiding your sin from others out of pride and fear of man? Avoiding God and His Word? Forsaking fellowship with other believers? Not serving others in your church or community? Withholding intimacy from your spouse? An angry heart? Neglectful or legalistic parenting? Fill in the blank_______. See, we are all there - at the foot of the cross. Where forgiveness is granted. 1 Peter 2:24 “He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.” 2015 is going to be a year of change for me. This is not a New Year’s resolution. It’s repentance. Join me? To My Younger Sisters in Christ,
As an older woman, I enjoy being a part of your life because I adore you and because God calls me to it. (Titus 2.) You often let me in to your world – I have been to many gatherings where I cannot help but notice that I am the oldest one there! You are gracious to welcome me. I love you and want to “do life with you” as you call it (I call it that now, too, sometimes!) You bless me the most when you seek me out intentionally. When you want advice or a shoulder to cry on or someone to just listen, you have let me in to the deeper struggles in your life and those are burdens I gladly share with you. Thank you for that deep privilege. There are some things that I often hear as I join in discussion with other older women regarding your generation. The older women are good at talking about these things but we are not always good about passing them on to you (as we are called to do as your mentors!) Forgive us for being fearful of going to these hard places with you. We struggle with insecurities just like you do, and often we think we will say the wrong thing, or push you away. We are also very aware that we have plenty of struggles to address in our own lives and we don’t want you to think we see ourselves as know-it-alls. We have, though, walked through more years on this earth than you have. With that walk comes some wisdom. Just a few of these things we are concerned about are on my heart. In love, I want to share them with you for you to pray over, speak with your husbands about these things, and of course seek God in His Word regarding these matters. His Word is sufficient, and it does address everything we struggle with at heart. (My friends reading this, please don’t think I am addressing this to anyone specifically. I am addressing it to all women everywhere.) *We are concerned about your view of relationships. This is due in large part to the presence of technology in your generation that did not exist in our younger years. We are concerned that you sometimes gauge your relationship “success” based on how many ‘likes’ you get or how many ‘friends’ you have on social media. We have the same temptations, but we also remember what it was like to pick up a phone and call those who did not live nearby or put a stamp on a letter which would take a week or so to arrive. That was the extent of our ability to have relationships and we did much more relating face to face. We think technology is wonderful. I use it daily! But the concern is that it has become a place to hide or a place to say things we would never say in person. As my Facebook feed scrolls by, I am often appalled at some of the things I see Christian young women posting. It is, simply put, ungodly. Ephesians 4:29 ~ Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. *We are concerned about where you are getting your information that drives your passions (and soapboxes!) So often it is from the internet rather than in God’s Word or from a godly advisor. This is another pitfall we see in social media. It is tempting to post blogs or quotes that are identified as truth when they really are just opinion or bias. These things often cause divisions among Christians, and can be bad for our witness to unbelievers. We are concerned that you (and we) are not always thoughtful or redemptive in the use of technology. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 ~ Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” *We are concerned about your tendency to be performance-driven Christian women. Your generation is busier than any past generation. Whether a stay home mom or a working woman, your week is booked solid. There is little time for rest let alone family time that is not scheduled. We see this taking a toll on you, and many of us have fallen in to the same pit of performance mindset. We are concerned for your sake but also for the sake of the Gospel. Performance-driven women are misunderstanding the indicatives of the Gospel and how they cannot be separated from the imperatives. It is in Christ that you are already approved of. Your striving and performance can’t change that approval. There is no more to earn and there is none to lose. You forget this, or you have not studied God’s Word to understand it. It gets lost in the cultural bent towards busyness, and our hearts and churches bent towards legalism. We are concerned that you are not carefully guarding your hearts. 2 Corinthians 5:21 ~ For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. *We are concerned about your generation’s general lack of modesty. Not just your modesty personally, but modesty in general. Our culture is rampant with deviant behavior. True, evil has existed since the fall. But we see more socially deviant behavior than ever, including those who stalk the internet. When we see you post naked pictures of your sweet children, we want you to know that what you see as cute and harmless, someone else sees as temptation. It’s disgusting to go there in our minds, but it is out of caution and protection for the younger generations that we must consider the impact of EVERYTHING we do online. Be careful, ladies, your children must be protected. We are concerned that you might learn that the hard way. We love you enough to caution you to consider these things from older, wiser women who have seen more of sin’s impact on a family than you have so far. 1 Corinthians 10:31 ~ So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. *We are concerned about your priorities and that your home might be child-centric rather than Christ-centered. Our culture tells you to have your children in activities all through the week and often on weekends. Our culture also tells you that you must keep your children happy and shelter them from life’s storms rather than teach them to face the trials in life by knowing God and walking with Him. Decisions are often made according to the impact on the children rather than on the impact on God’s Kingdom and your marriage and future. Marriages suffer because children come first before the spouse. Worse yet, they come first before Jesus. Church is often missed for the sake of the children's activities. This is new to our generation – Sabbath used to mean something and schools and clubs were considerate of church activities. This shift in culture concerns us because we see how hard it is to raise children who love God and His church. We hope and pray that you are evaluating your priorites and choices in light of the Great Commission and the Great Commandment. Nothing else matters more than loving God and others and spreading the Gospel – not even your family matters more than that. We are concerned that this is getting lost as culture takes root in our churches and in our hearts. We hope to see you and your children rooted in The Gospel and The Word of God. Matthew 22:37-40 ~ And he said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets. I am convicted by some of this, too, as I read what I felt compelled to write here. Pray for me. I often pray for you. Let’s keep doing life together, intergenerationally, for the sake of the Gospel! From an older sister in Christ, with love. Below is an overview of a teaching I did recently at a Women’s Brunch at my church. It is always fun for me to get to speak to my own church family and encourage them with something from God’s Word! The theme of our event was “CONNECTING”. Our key passage was Titus chapter two.
Over the past few weeks, Pastor Shannon has been teaching out of Titus and he recently covered chapter 2. It's a chapter that I camp out in quite often because of the branch of my counseling ministry that focuses on what I call "Biblical Mentoring" that is born out of that chapter in Scripture. One of my biggest ministry passions is for intergenerational ministry and bridging the generation gap in the body of Christ. What I do besides being a mentor myself is to teach a course for women that equips you to mentor women, including the younger generations, by developing deep relationships with one another. Any time you want to know more about that, just pick up my brochures on the foyer table or better yet, ask me! (And for those reading this on the blog, just browse around the website for more information.) I'm not going to talk too much about mentoring here today, but it's a good starting point because of the implications of Titus 2. There are specific verses in that chapter that are just for women but let’s look at the entire chapter. Titus 2: You, however, must teach what is appropriate to sound doctrine. 2 Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance. 3 Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. 6 Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. 7 In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness 8 and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us. 9 Teach slaves to be subject to their masters in everything, to try to please them, not to talk back to them, 10 and not to steal from them, but to show that they can be fully trusted, so that in every way they will make the teaching about God our Savior attractive. 11 For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. 12 It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, 13 while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. 15 These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you. If you keep those Titus 2 verses 3-5 for women in context of the entire chapter, you see some things that have a lot to do with how we make connections with each other as women. Titus 2 IS a charge to the older women to teach the younger women. I also want to mention what this passage is NOT. It is NOT a to-do list or something you have to accomplish perfectly in order to be ok in God's eyes. Not at all. You “being ok” with God is not dependent on what you do. It is dependent on what Christ already did. We absolutely don't have to be perfect at any of this to achieve God's approval. If you are a believer, you are already approved of 100%, so you can stop striving. This is not about striving, but it is about enjoying Christ and representing Him in your relationships with others in His family. As much as the context in Titus 2 IS about the older teaching the younger, there is more in the passage than just that. I think we are ok with applying some of the principles in Titus 2 to all of our woman to woman relationships. That is what I want to do today. The passage has some things to say about the older teaching the younger some specific things. Those things are part of a woman's ROLES that needed to be addressed in that cultural context and they also apply to our cultural context. Having said that, don't read this and say that it is saying that women can only be housewives or stay home moms, or have to be married for that matter. These particular roles were mentioned in Titus because of what was going on in the church at that time. Nowhere does it say that those are women's ONLY roles. For our purposes here, just remember that women are free in Christ to fulfill ALL sorts of roles. Married, single, mom, working woman, stay home mom, woman in ministry, and many more possibilities. What we are addressing today is how that in any role that you are in, connecting doctrine to your role is what matters most. So think about it like this: It is in the context of our roles that doctrine gets passed to the next generations. That can happen in woman to woman relationships at home, at work, in the neighborhood, at church. Let me expand on that a bit. Our roles are what we do, and who we are in life - what God calls us to and what we choose as a lifestyle. Doctrine is what we believe about God's Word. Consider the most essential of all doctrines: salvation. The Gospel. It is the Gospel most of all that needs to be connected to your roles. So it is also in the same context that doctrine, The Gospel above all, should be the focus of all of our relationships. Our roles matter. In those roles, we are encouraged many places in scripture to connect and relate to one another, woman to woman. In fact why would there be so many "one another, each other and one to another" passages in Scripture if we weren't supposed to connect and build relationships together? In your roles, it is important how you live. Those are the things others see in you and they enter in to your relationships with all ages of women. For example, one of my roles is a counselor. That permeates all of my relationships, because being a counselor is a big part of me. In that role as I relate to women, the Gospel is front and center. It is the same with you in your roles....wife, mom, friend, worker, teacher, whatever. In those roles as you relate to women, doctrine, the Gospel, should permeate those relationships. I realize that there are challenges to all of this: You are too busy. You are too shy. You are too insecure. You are not equipped to handle the messy stuff. You don't need friends. You don't like being around women. There are no women's groups to join. You are too tired, stressed, overwhelmed to build relationships. You probably have your own list you could add to all that. But let's address those challenges with some really practical ideas. You really can't keep your excuses. Scripture doesn't excuse you, so neither can I. You HAVE to move past the excuses and start connecting with others, especially in our church family. Titus 2 along with all the one-anothers of Scripture are clear on this. So, what to do about it? Here are some things that I've come up with that I think will help. These are all things I have purposed to do myself, and no they are not all easy and no I do not enjoy them every single time. And no, not every connection has ended up in a solid friendship. But I want to be serious about connecting to the body of Christ. Not for me. Not even primarily for you! But for Jesus. For the gospel. I have learned that there is only one way to start connecting - it is: BE INTENTIONAL. Stop waiting for all your ducks to be in a row. You will never accomplish that. This is not about one more thing on your to-do list, but it is your ministry to one another. Christ IN you makes it possible, because of the Gospel, to get over ourselves and be intentional about connecting with others. How do you do it? Here are some things to STOP: 1. stop complaining about how disconnected you feel at church. 2. stop blaming the church for being unfriendly or not meeting your needs. 3. stop waiting for a formal women's group to start the way you think it should 4. stop making it more about yourself than others. 5. stop using the excuses about how much you don't click with women 6. stop complaining about how nobody encourages you or notices you. 7. stop comparing yourself to other women 8. stop gossiping about other women. And here are some things to START: 1. Start seeing women in our midst through God’s eyes. We all have issues, no one is worse or better than the other. Those that you compare or judge are the very ones who may need you in their lives. 2. Start praying for the women of the Harbor. For the years that I led women's ministry, I made sure to pray for every woman in this church by name every week. I'm not bragging! I am just saying that if I can do that, so can you. Or just pray for one or two that God has put on your heart! Can you imagine if every single woman attending The Harbor was being prayed for specifically, by name, ongoing?! I would be so encouraged by that, wouldn't you? 3. Start encouraging women. Send emails, notes, facebook posts. Not just to your friends, but to those you don't know as well, too. And maybe even to those you don't like. If you prayed for someone, tell them once in awhile! 4. Start to embrace the differences you see in other women. Diversity is not a bad thing, it is a beautiful part of God's amazing creation! Get to know women who are different from you. 5. Just do it. You don't need a specific women's event to build relationships. We don't need to do this kind of large event often so that you can connect with women. This is a good place to focus on our relationships, but no close friendships are going to happen just by being here today. They also don't really happen at church on Sundays. You have to go beyond that - that is more true to the biblical definition of “church" because church is the people, not a place or a time. In the context of wherever you serve or participate in church, you have many opportunities. What ministry are you serving in? What other women are there? Just start talking with them. Ask them about their lives. Tell them about yours. Being intentional means being present. It's the only option if you want to build relationships. Every Sunday morning there are announcements about things that are all opportunities for you. You see each other every Sunday morning - why not acknowledge others? 6. Start to go beyond your circle. It’s easy to stick with the same safe friendships, and good discipleship can be happening there. BUT Titus 2 challenges us to something different than comfort zones. Once you have made that initial connection, do something with it. Invite for coffee, lunch, or friend on Facebook and interact there. It can be one other woman older, younger or the same age, or a few women, really! Do whatever fits. There are no cookie cutter ideas here. Once you make a good connection, move past superficial contact and look at God's Word together. Pray together. Do a gospel-based Bible study together. There are so many possibilities there. The church does not have to do this for you, you can do this for yourself by just inviting a friend of two to get to know each other. You do not need a church leader to make this happen. You only need yourself and one other woman and your Bibles. All those starts really are summed up with one statement. It is this: BE THE ONE. Stop waiting for someone else to initiate a relationship. Be the one. We say this other phrase all the time, but it's so true: it's not about YOU. It's not about you, but it's not even really about others! It's about the Gospel. The relationships we have together are to reflect the Gospel. They were not created for our enjoyment, pleasure and fulfillment (although those can be byproducts of them). They were created for the sake of spreading the Good News. Maybe if we understood this, and if the Gospel became our motivation for relationships, maybe we would not complain so much about being disconnected from others. Maybe we would realize our relationships are not even about US. Maybe we would reflect Jesus to others in the context of our relationships as women. This idea of women connecting with other women is serious stuff - it is actually for the SAKE OF THE GOSPEL. Maybe we should view this as more than friendship building. It is, in reality and in context of Scripture, a Gospel ministry. It's a means of grace, commissioned to us by God. So my parting comment to you is actually a question for self-reflection out of verses 11-14, which are among the most concise explanation of gospel-centered living found in the Bible. By embracing God's Word, and having your heart profoundly affected by The Gospel, you will desire to change from "what can this relationship do for me" to "God is honored when we step outside of ourselves and reflect the Gospel as We intentionally build relationships with his people." What honestly motivates you when you seek to build relationships? Is it for you, is it for the other person, or is it primarily for the sake of the Gospel? Insights from a Counselor’s Life
Proverbs 16:9 "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Occasionally people will ask me what I do as a Biblical Counselor and what a typical day looks like. That is impossible to answer because every day is different. I am giving you a snapshot of what happens in just one random weekday in my life. If you are wondering what it is like to be a Biblical Counselor, maybe this will give you some insights. 6:00 a.m. - A text message arrives, startling me out of a deep sleep. It is from a a young woman I am counseling through a very difficult divorce situation. She is having second thoughts as she considering returning to an unrepentant abusive husband. I remind her of the things we have discussed in our sessions. She just needed to know I was praying for her. I don’t mind waking up early. Biblical Counseling is intensely relational and i avail myself 24/7 (with a few appropriate boundaries set.) It is my ministry. 6:15 - I can’t go back to sleep even though I had planned a morning off. I get up and head downstairs for the things that are essential to the beginning of my day: *Ipad with Logos Bible software *Coffee 7:30 - After prayer and Bible reading, I start checking emails. I see several that will need to be answered today. I get started so that I can finish them by the end of the day since it is a three day weekend and I want to spend the time with my family. But wait - wasn’t this supposed to be a morning “off”? I don’t mind the emails. It is my ministry. I spend some time throughout the morning with my daughters who are both at home working through some school work. I grab the moments with them off and on all day so that we stay in communication. My girls are very independent (almost 17, and 19) but they also enjoy time with their mom. We talk about every topic you can imagine and then we go on with our days. I love time with my kids. It is my ministry. By noon, I am headed to my office at the church. There are counseling appointments to prepare for because they begin right after school. Teenagers need late afternoon appointments due to school schedules. I am privileged to serve many teenage girls. It is my ministry. As I am preparing (pulling possible homework assignments for the girls who are coming that day, reviewing my notes from prior sessions) my pastor asks to speak with me. We spend about 45 minutes talking through something that came up and needed more clarity. I did not plan for this distraction, but my pastor is really no distraction at all. It is my ministry. 2:00 - Back to the counseling prep. The phone rings. A woman is seeking counseling for her depression. We get acquainted for a few minutes on the phone and make an appointment for next week. I hang up, and pray for her, asking God to protect, encourage, and comfort her while she waits to see me. These phone calls are often the beginning of God-ordained relationships for the purpose of serving others with Gospel-centered care. It is my ministry. I get distracted by a text message sound. It is from my daughter who attends the local college. She is excited to tell me about a good meeting she had. I then text my younger daughter, just to check in. She’s fine, she says. Contact with my children is no distraction at all. It is my ministry. 2:30 - Back to the counseling prep. I get distracted by the “ding” of my Facebook messenger, and I check it. It’s a woman from my church asking to get together to talk over some concerns of hers. I write back, and we set a date for coffee tomorrow. It really is no distraction at all. It is my ministry. 2:50 - Back to the counseling prep. I get distracted again, this time by my dad calling. I always answer him if I am not in a counseling session because I am his primary helper. He doesn’t understand “wait until I am not so busy,” so I pick up the phone. He is just lonely and wants to tell me about his day. I listen and remind myself to keep a grateful heart that I get the great privilege of tending to my elderly father in this season after the death of my mom. This “distraction” is really no distraction at all. It is my ministry. A text from my husband comes in - “what are we doing for dinner?” “I have no idea,” I answer. He says he will go to the store to pick something up. He’s great like that - he and I both work hard all week and we share the load. He does laundry every day. Yes, I am a blessed woman. Hearing from him is no distraction at all. It is my ministry. 3:15 - 15 minutes left before my first teen counselee arrives. Final prep is done, and I’m ready. After a cup of coffee and a quick check of my Facebook feeds. There is a question posted on my business page, so I take a minute to reply to it. I enjoy connecting with people from all over the globe. It is my ministry. I get a text from a close friend. She would love to meet for coffee this afternoon. I tell her that today is my “marathon counseling day." I stay late to see all the teen girls I am counseling once a week. So we make a breakfast date instead for tomorrow. I purpose to intentionally make time for my friends through the week. They don’t realize this, but they are a critical part of my ministry. Without them, I would be way too serious, too self-focused and lose perspective. They sharpen me, laugh and cry with me, and let me in to their lives and I love them dearly. There is always time for friendship if we choose it. I choose it. Friendship is no distraction at all. It is my ministry. I say a prayer for my counselees who are about to walk in. I ask The Lord to set me aside so that it is only the Spirit Who is the true Counselor. I ask for wisdom, insight, and discernment. I ask for clarity. I ask for these young ladies to have courage to be honest with me, knowing that they possibly won’t be. It’s ok, I tell them, God is patient and because of His Spirit in me, I can be patient, too. Secrets that result from shame take time to surface. I pray that they will surface so that we can apply The Gospel and God’s Word and watch Him change their hearts. He will. In His timing, not mine. Prayer is essential. It is my ministry. 3:30 - 7:30 - Three back to back counseling sessions. This is not how I schedule the rest of the week - I would not have the stamina for that much intensity more than once a week. Counseling is intensely draining and nobody can withstand more than a reasonable amount of sessions in any given week. Being involved in this front lines kind of ministry is hard on one’s own soul without proper time management and perspective. Without the Holy Spirit, I would not do what I do. I am not smart enough without Him. He speaks clearly in the sessions, and a little more progress is made in all three hearts. As we counsel, I hear myself say things that I, too, need to hear and apply in my own life. I am sure to offer an appropriate amount of transparency with my counselees, but not so much that I am making this about “me." I am, after all, a sinner just like them. I have many of my own struggles and we can always relate. We all agree to meet again next week. God has once again amazed me with how He knits our hearts together as these are girls and women that I would otherwise never get to know. In my office it feels like a safe warm sanctuary to many. Only God can do that. Thank You, Jesus. (One of the girls confessed a sin she has been hiding from everybody for a year. She weeps, and I cry with her. This particular girl has become precious to me after many months of counseling together. Now God can begin His healing work in her heart. I stop right there and pray that she will clearly understand that she is forgiven in Christ.) I grow to love the people I serve. It is my ministry. I type up some notes to reflect what we covered in the sessions, and what progress has been made. I note some things that I want to address next time. I send a follow-up email to one of the parents, asking if they could accompany their daughter to the next appointment to work through some family dynamics together. I thank her again for allowing me the great privilege of walking alongside her daughter in this season of healing from her past. I also remind her to remind her daughter to do the homework I assigned because the homework takes her to God’s Word where her true counseling happens between her and The Lord. I have been showing her how to interactively study what He has to say about her sin and her suffering. Counseling is more than just one session. It is the preparation and prayer ongoing as well as the connection and relationship between sessions. It is my ministry. 7:45 - I head home. Exhausted. Thankful. Blessed. Amazed that God would use someone like me to help others with His Word. I am just as hungry and thirsty for help from His Word as my counselees are. I end the workday in awe of The Gospel that not only saves us, but changes us in this daily process we call sanctification. I eat a late dinner, sit down with my family who all happen to be home this night, and relax with our favorite show on Netflix. Later, I do some reading for the next book I will review. I love to research resources for counseling and mentoring. It is my ministry. Before I go to bed, I open my laptop to look at tomorrow’s calendar. It will be a different day than today. I will be working on a new writing project, doing some social media marketing, and checking in with my Board of Directors. No counseling tomorrow - it is going to be a day that is all about the business end of running a Nonprofit ministry. And breakfast with my friend! I also notice an email from a colleague that I want to address right away because I want to always be attentive to those who have come alongside me and have been giving me opportunities to write, speak, and promote Word of Hope Ministries online. I pinch myself again because these opportunities are not things I would have sought for myself, but I am blessed to go where God leads. It is my ministry. My days are varied. No two are ever the same. I juggle many business and ministry tasks and somehow it all gets done with time left for family and friends. I often ask God to “multiply my time” and He is faithful to somehow do it. I can’t explain it, but I am grateful for it! Life as a Biblical Counselor is good. God is good. It is HIS ministry. Galatians 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." If you are interested in learning more about the ministry of Biblical Counseling, please visit www. wordofhopeministries.com I was recently privileged to review "Good News for Weary Women" by Elyse Fitzpatrick at the Biblical Counseling Coalition website. You can see the original review posted HERE. I am now posting the review here as well because I have been telling every woman I know "YOU HAVE GOT TO READ THIS BOOK!" Here's why:
Women Are Weary A few months ago, I saw a post on Elyse Fitzpatrick’s Facebook page asking for input. She said “I’d like to know the dumbest things people tell women they have to do in order to be godly.” Hundreds of women responded, and it was extremely insightful and also troubling. Those weary women’s responses revealed a need for a different approach than the average Christian bookstore offers. Many “Christian self-help” books on the market insist on giving women a step-by-step process towards godliness, but Elyse’s book, Good News for Weary Women: Escaping the Bondage of To-Do Lists, Steps, and Bad Advice, gives women a better way—the way of freedom and grace found only in the gospel. I just need to do ______ (you fill in the blank) for God to be pleased with me. What list of “rules” do you use to try to make yourself feel good enough? Where do you go for advice? What step-by-step plan do you have for improving yourself? In Good News for Weary Women, Elyse shows us the way to freedom from the bondage of our lists, rules, and bad advice. “There is good news for you. You don’t need to learn secret steps, try harder, wear yourself out in an attempt to be beautiful, snag Mr. Perfect, or raise perfect children. You are already welcomed, loved, forgiven, and completely okay....And you can love Him because He has already loved you” (xii). There Is Good News Elyse builds her case that the gospel has been forgotten when it comes to how and where women are getting their advice for how to live and please God. She accounts for the pressures from the media, things we watch and read, and even from our churches. These pressures have led women to have a warped view of “success.” “…as if success were a Christian construct or our sanctification depended on anyone other than Christ” (xvii). Throughout the book, we are taken on a journey to see how we have succumbed to the temptation and tendency to be performance-driven women. In every chapter a woman will find herself both convicted and challenged to reconsider how she views the impact of the gospel on her own heart and life. A look at the history of how women’s roles have been historically addressed reveals the lies we have believed that hinder our understanding of identity. We are then given a biblical view of our true identities as believers. “And belief in the good news is the only way for you to find freedom in your identity in Christ” (16). A look at our strivings to earn God’s favor reveals a critical error in our thinking. Throughout the chapters we are presented with the Biblical antidote to our wrong-thinking. “God is already pleased with us if we are in His Son.” A look at our self-effort to keep ourselves clean is countered throughout the book. The remedy, the gospel, is given. “…we need to remember the gospel every day: we are already loved, already perfected, already approved of, already justified.” A look at the defeating ways that we try to assure ourselves that we are okay reveals our denial of Christ. Elyse walks us through scriptural teaching that counters our performance-driven mindset. “Our pursuit of self-perfection is a denial of Christ because it is His work to make us okay, to justify us.” Every concept in every chapter points us to the gospel as the answer to our weariness. Elyse’s ability to point women to Truth from God’s Word brings hope to their struggles as she winds up the book with a replacement for our exhausting and impossible to-do lists. This new list is God’s list for us, and it IS good news to the woman who needs an escape from the bondage of performance! Heart Change Through Practical Application of Truth Elyse teaches us from a perspective of honesty and transparency about her own struggles and temptations through her life. She is entirely relatable, which makes it easy to recommend this book. It is full of applicable scriptural teachings throughout each chapter. There are also more Scriptures to study along with reflective questions at each chapter’s end. There are more Scriptures that target women’s specific struggles in the appendix for some deeper study and reflection. The questions are helpful to assist the reader to personalize and make practical the excellent teachings that are targeted to the heart of our weariness. I intended to read this as a potential book to use as homework for my counselees. I also hoped it would be beneficial for the women I am training to be mentors to the younger generation. It did not disappoint, but it also became very convicting to my personal walk as I was challenged to look at the areas of my own heart that are given over to the idolatry of self as I, like all women I know, struggle with remembering the gospel every day as Elyse teaches so clearly. Good News for Weary Women is useful for both individual and small group reading and study. It would also be an excellent tool for a counselor or mentor to read and discuss with a woman she is helping. I recommend every Christian woman read this book as it biblically addresses our desire to fully trust and rest in Christ. Ask yourself:
How will people summarize your life? We get so caught up in just getting through each day that we rarely think about the kind of legacy we will leave behind.
We tend to put this off until later in life, but we are actually continually leaving behind some sort of legacy no matter how old we are. Young ladies, this includes you as much as it includes the older women. Maybe it is the legacy you leave when you die. Or maybe it is the legacy you leave when you move jobs, or graduate from one school to another, or become an empty nester, or you retire, or you change your friend group. We are continually leaving some sort of legacy. Good legacy building starts NOW. Not when you are older, not when you get your act together, not when you mend that broken relationship. It’s happening right now. Here’s a hard reality: it is possible that after a couple of generations, few people will know we even existed. Much of what we do will not last; things we cherish now will ultimately perish. If our affections are on anything but Christ, our legacy is going to reflect that. Unless we think seriously about the kind of legacy we are developing, we may leave nothing worth inheriting. Think often about what sort of impact you want to make. If you do this, you are more likely to pass on something of worth to the next generations. Your legacy is actually not about you. It is about glorifying Jesus Christ. It’s not about celebrating your achievements, but it is about maximizing the influence you can have in the lives of others so that your work for God is not in vain. 1 Cor. 15:58 “Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” This is something to do NOW, not later. Even you young girls can build a legacy by starting to consider how you spend your life NOW. Exodus 20, Numbers 14, Deut. 5, and Jeremiah 32 all hold Truth that addresses the way that we pass things on to the future generations. Look now at just one of those verses, Exodus 20:5: “I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me”, or more clearly just for the purpose of explanation here in another version, the New Living Translation says it this way: “I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations.” The way we live and the way we treat people has an impact that lasts through the generations to come. Each individual is responsible for their own sin and relationship with God, so I am not and this scripture is not suggesting that we are going to have to personally pay for the sins our parents committed, but these verses remind us that we leave a legacy as we pass on our tendencies, habits, coping mechanisms and many other traits that can play in to our tendency towards sin. Leaving a legacy is inevitable, and it can be negative or positive. Scripture has plenty to say about our legacy. Here are a few Biblical principles that I encourage you to dwell on as you examine your own legacy potential. They are a starting point to serve as a guide for you as you consider what you want to pour in to the next generation. I encourage you to read them in your Bible in the context of the surrounding passages. This would make a great study on what the Bible teaches about legacy: Psalm 78:4 “We will not hide them from their children, but tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might, and the wonders that he has done.” 2 Timothy 4:6-8 “For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing.” Matthew 6:20-21 “But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” 2 Timothy 2:2 “And what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men who will be able to teach others also.” 2 Peter 1:12-15 “Therefore I intend always to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have. I think it right, as long as I am in this body, to stir you up by way of reminder, since I know that the putting off of my body will be soon, as our Lord Jesus Christ made clear to me. And I will make every effort so that after my departure you may be able at any time to recall these things.” Joshua 24:14-15 “Now therefore fear the Lord and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness. Put away the gods that your fathers served beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord. And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” One way to leave a Christ-centered legacy is to mentor someone younger than you. You can read more about serving intergenerationally at www.biblicalmentor.com Conflict. It’s one of those words that makes us cringe and shrink back in denial and fear.
Too often our gut reaction when someone confronts us with an offense is to defend ourselves. Even if we were in the wrong, we tend to want to cover it up (that is nothing new, read about Adam and Eve!) We try to justify ourselves, blame someone else, avoid the problem, and the list goes on. We stand ready with excuses in hand, armed for the battle, fully intending to win it. God offers us a better way. He offers us the way of grace. He extends grace to us and we are to extend it to others. The Bible is very clear regarding how we are to respond to conflict. We can draw from Scripture these 7 practical steps to use when we face conflict: 1. Remove the log: Matthew 7:5 "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Before you engage in any discussion that will involve pointing out another’s sin, be sure that you have prepared your heart. In order to enter that conversation with proper motives and a forgiving attitude, you will need to admit your own failure in the relationship, acknowledge your own sin issues, and take responsibility for your part in the conflict. It takes two to have a conflict and rarely is there only one guilty party. Confess, repent, admit, and seek forgiveness. Only then are you able to have the right motives for confronting someone with the goal of reconciliation. 2. Admit weakness and failure: Proverbs 28:13 "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy." Again, own up to your part in the conflict. You need God’s mercy as much as the other person. Total honesty prepares your heart and presents your case in a way that is much more likely to be received. This is the way of humility. Pride in your heart will hinder reconciliation. Humility opens the doors of communication that can lead to reconciliation. 3. Don’t promise to do better next time: James 5:12 "But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation." The truth is, you will fail again. You are a sinner and so am I. We can seek God to help us to deal with our relationships in a godly manner but we will never achieve perfection. Sin has messed up that possibility. You can ask for help, accountability, and avail yourself to some input. But you cannot promise to “do better” because you probably won’t. God’s grace is sufficient for that. We are to have integrity (let our yes be yes) but there are consequences to making a promise that we cannot keep. 4. Grant grace no matter who is in the wrong: Ephesians 4:31 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Approaching a guilty sinner with an attitude of grace is critical to the healing of conflict. You, too, are a guilty sinner. It is a level playing field at the foot of the cross. We tend to forget that when we are ready to win a battle in conflict. It is easy to believe we are the innocent party as we aim to accuse and admonish someone. Whether that person has truly sinned and needs to repent or not, grace in your approach is critical and healing. 5. Offer solutions, not accusations: 2 Timothy 3:16 "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness." In order to reconcile, we need to do more than simply pointing out the problem that brought conflict. Reconciliation is only possible when there is a plan put in place to work towards rebuilding relationship. That plan will be useful only if it is based on God’s Word. God’s Word has the answers to our relationship struggles. An excellent resource for how to resolve conflict Biblically is the Peacemaker ministry (Ken Sande.) There you will find Biblical solutions to conflict that are not only rooted in Biblical principles but also practical in nature and ready to be put in to practice. 7. Purpose to be reconciled. Better yet, to be restored to full relationship: Romans 12:18 “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” This verse speaks for itself. Do whatever you possibly can to reconcile a conflict. If the other person does not reciprocate, that is not your responsibility. They are responsible for their own sin, and you are responsible only for yours. At the end of the day, have you done everything you can to resolve conflict? God has called us to be peacemakers, not peacekeepers. Peacekeepers want to avoid conflict, and will do whatever it takes to do so. Peacemakers want to resolve conflict, and will do whatever God’s Word teaches to do so. Scripture teaches peacemaking, not peacekeeping! Reconciliation between believers is a picture of The Gospel. If we keep this in mind and remember it is not about us, but it is about glorifying God, we will be more motivated to reconcile. When we reconcile with people, we are also reconciled to God Himself. 2 Corinthians 5:18 "All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation." Is there a conflict in one of your relationships? If so, take Romans 12:18 to heart and become a peacemaker today. |
Ellen Castillo
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