​Empathy and How it Feels to Live in a Bigger Body

Empathy. That word has recently drawn some controversy, to the detriment of the basics of Christianity. The concept of “toxic empathy” is something I won’t delve into deeply because I disagree with the term and its promotion by some. Without genuine empathy, we cannot truly love our neighbors. Some popular voices have tried to convince us otherwise, as they have hijacked the term and politicized it. They claim that empathy towards certain groups is toxic because it causes you to lean a certain way politically that they deem wrong. Personally, I can’t imagine how I can follow Jesus and only be empathetic towards certain people and not others. I want to have empathy towards all humans because everyone is created in God’s image. Everyone. Not just those who lean the way we do politically or have the same worldview. To be empathetic towards fellow humans is to be Christlike. There is nothing toxic about that.
 
I would put it like this: empathy is about putting yourself in another person’s shoes. It is the ability to relate to someone either specifically or in concept. We always have something in common with another person, just by the nature of being human. You don’t have to have gone through the same thing as someone to be empathetic, but you do have traits or experiences to draw from that help you to relate to someone and be able to imagine what it is like to go through what they go through. Taking it a bit deeper, picture the cross of Christ. In front of that cross is a level playing field. He died there for all sinners (us), not based on their ‘level’ of sin. People have different consequences in life based on their sins, but at the cross, the playing field is level, and forgiveness is available for all who believe. If we are all on a level playing field, then we can all have empathy towards others.
 
As a woman who spent most of her adult life in a larger body than is healthy, I have experienced a fair amount of judgment, criticism, and mistreatment. All larger individuals experience these issues because our society’s standards prioritize thinness, fitness, and appearance. When you don’t meet those standards, you live a different experience from people without obesity. If you are not someone who has struggled with obesity and has not experienced what I have, you can still have empathy towards me and others like me. Do you have this kind of empathy? If not, why not? I hope you will engage in some self-reflection about this, as it matters. It matters to others, it matters for you, and it matters to God.
 
Maybe some specific scenarios will help you to develop some empathy towards people who live in bigger bodies:
 
*Imagine boarding an airplane, knowing you will not be able to fit well in the seat. You dread having to ask for a seatbelt extender because it is embarrassing. You dread who might be sitting next to you, because you might take up a little more space than other people, and that can be embarrassing and uncomfortable for both you and the person next to you.
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*Imagine walking into a restaurant, and you only see booths available. You either ask for a table and have to wait, or you accept a booth knowing that you will either not fit in it or it will be extremely awkward and uncomfortable to sit there. An unpleasant and embarrassing situation, regardless. You dislike restaurants because of this.
 
*Imagine a young child asks you, “Why are you big?” in front of their mother, and the mother looks at you, waiting for you to answer. You are waiting for her to correct her child with something like, “That is a rude thing to say to someone,” but she doesn’t say that at all, and you feel ashamed and embarrassed.

*Imagine being a younger woman who is overweight and getting asked in public when your baby is due. But you are not pregnant, you are overweight.
 
*Imagine a pastor, boss, or leader telling you that you cannot be a role model to others because of your weight, disqualifying you based on appearance.
 
*Imagine your parent focusing on your weight as a teenager and young adult, mentioning it frequently, and telling you they are embarrassed by you.
 
*Imagine going to someone’s house and feeling afraid to sit in their chairs for fear they will not hold your weight and break (because it has happened before), so you would rather stay home.
 
*Imagine opening up to a friend you trusted to handle your vulnerability, sharing your shame about your weight, only to have her say, “Well, it doesn’t HAVE to be this way, you brought this on yourself.” Being shamed by a friend is a form of betrayal that can be difficult to process.
 
*Imagine having diabetes, bone-on-bone knee joints with excessive pain, high blood pressure, and other ailments due to carrying extra weight. You seek medical help for years, only to have doctors add to your shame by telling you the only solution is to lose weight, but they never tell you how or offer any specific help.
 
*Imagine having to pay more for clothing (often unattractive styles because nothing else is available) simply because you are “plus size”.
 
*Imagine walking into a room and automatically scanning the people to see if you are, once again, the biggest person in the room. You do this because you carry a constant shame and embarrassment about being seen in this way.
 
The above scenarios came to mind easily. I didn’t have to think hard to come up with these examples because I have lived through every single one of them.
 
Can you relate at all? If you have not struggled with weight, have you struggled in similar ways? If not, can you at least picture what it might be like and find some empathy towards people who live in bigger bodies? I hope so. I hope that you can therefore be kind, compassionate, inclusive, and considerate of people who struggle with obesity.
 
Perhaps it will help you develop empathy to know that obesity is not their fault. No, nobody forced them to overeat. However, their biology is likely working against them, and as a result, this is not a simple moral issue. This is why the answer “just eat less and move more” is an incomplete solution to the problem of obesity. I know some will disagree with me in calling obesity a disease. Still, I am drawing this conclusion from specialists in obesity medicine who are skilled, trained, and educated, and are changing the future of medicine when it comes to obesity. It is complicated, and there are behavioral issues involved, but even those stem from biological problems that make it much harder for someone to succeed at weight loss. My own life experience now makes a great deal more sense, as I understand this. Understanding this has also freed me from guilt and shame that added even more “weight” to my bigger body.

Now that my bigger body is getting smaller, I am experiencing new things. I no longer shop in plus sizes. I fit in booths. I won’t need a seatbelt extender. Children won’t ask me why I am so big. Pastors or bosses won’t question my ability to help people due to my weight. I have stopped scanning the room to see if I am the biggest person there due to my shame. None of these experiences is the goal of weight loss, and being thin is not my ultimate goal. My health has been my primary goal, but these new experiences are certainly freeing and a relief. That is just the honest truth. It is easier and feels better to get rid of those prior experiences, but they still linger in my mind because I want to remain empathetic towards people in bigger bodies. I don’t want to forget how it has felt to live as an obese person. I can do that because I have been there. You can do that whether you have been there or not, because you can find other ways to relate to and be empathetic by growing in your understanding and imagining yourself in someone else’s shoes.
 
Sometimes I wonder how different things could have been if my leaders and bosses had been more empathetic, rather than judging and disqualifying me based on my appearance. Or if that mother had corrected her child. Or if airplanes and restaurants had a little more space so as not to embarrass people who don’t fit well. I think the difference would have been that I would have still been unhealthy physically, but emotionally, I would not have felt so much shame and embarrassment about who I am. When you lack empathy, you may be causing emotional harm to others. That is not kind, compassionate, or…Christian.
 
My desire in sharing all this the way I have is to get you to think. Consider people from a new perspective, through the lens of empathy. Less judgment, more understanding. Encourage others in your life who struggle with obesity to get proper medical care to determine what is appropriate and might help them change the course of their health.
 
It is really helpful to understand obesity as a disease that has medical solutions.  In fact, it has changed my life! Losing guilt and shame have been the best losses. Losing body weight is just icing on the cake. (And yes, you can still eat some cake and lose weight!)
 
Thanks for reading, and as always, feel free to leave a comment here or on my social media posts.
Ellen
 
Please remember, none of this is medical advice. Consult your provider if you are seeking help for your health.
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Scriptures to consider regarding empathy. Can you think of others?
 
Romans 12:15: 
"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep".
Galatians 6:2: 
"Bear one another's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ". 
1 Peter 3:8: 
"Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind". 
Philippians 2:3-4: 
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others". 
Colossians 3:12: 
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience". 
Matthew 7:12: 
"So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets".