A couple of months ago, I was in a car accident. My van was totaled, but my daughter and I were not seriously injured. Whiplash, bruises, and soreness have become our daily battles, but those things will get better.
 
The emotional effects are the most difficult to overcome. I have counseled many post-accident and post-trauma victims. As biblical counselors, we know how to come alongside someone gently in the immediate days following trauma. We know how to eventually begin to target the heart when we see unhealthy and unbiblical responses to the trauma. When the trauma is our own, do we know how to "self-counsel" our own hearts? There is no trauma too big or too small when it comes to the need for counsel.
 
When we find ourselves repetitively dwelling on and reliving the accident details, condemning ourselves for the guilt we might bear for the cause of the trauma or accident, having panic attacks at the thought of re-entering normal life again, getting behind the wheel, or seeing the place where the trauma occurred, we must cling to the good counsel we offer to others by offering it to our own hearts.
 
One of the goals in biblical counseling is that the counselee would eventually be able to do self-counsel. Self-counsel means that when someone is struggling with sin or suffering, she can turn to God’s Word for answers. She can read, study, memorize and pray as she seeks to bring the gospel to bear on her struggle. In that process, God can reveal her heart issues, and she can focus on mind renewal as she repents of her sin. This is how we are all to live, every day, as self-counselors.
 
As I continue to recover from whiplash as I write this, I have found these things to be most helpful. This is good self-counsel for someone who has recently suffered any kind of trauma:
 
* Take every thought captive. Remember that every struggle we have begins with a thought. 2 Corinthians 10:5 tells us to destroy the things in our thoughts that are not consistent with the gospel.
 
* Focus on what is true. Philippians 4:4-9 is a passage to go to often and consider it as sort-of a checklist. Run your thoughts through that Philippians 4:8 grid, and redirect your thought life.
 
* Rehearse the gospel. This phrase is not a cliche, it is life-giving. Thinking on the gospel recalibrates our minds and reminds us that we are no longer under condemnation, that we have been given a new identity, and so much more.
 
* Fight the fear with the knowledge of God's sovereignty. God is either in control or He isn't, and I believe He IS. Yes, even over my car accident. I do not need to know the why's or how's in order to trust His promises. Romans 8:28 keeps me from dipping too deep in to the "why me's".
 
* Know when your natural initial responses are becoming debilitating, and ask for help. Low grade temporary depression, for example, is common to most trauma victims. But debilitating depression requires intensive biblical counseling. If you are unable to function at home or on the job, spend most of your day isolating or sleeping, have turned to substance use to self-medicate, are unable to make decisions or get along with those you love, then it is time to ask for help. God's Word has answers you need, but we sometimes need someone to come alongside us and show us the way.
 
Some people say that "time heals" even trauma. I suggest that although that may seem to be true sometimes, it is only God who can truly heal a traumatized heart. Because of my self-counsel, I am struggling far less with the effects that the accident had on me.
 
To self-counsel, you must seek Him more intentionally, dig deep in to His Word - read it, study it, memorize it. Keep a meaty prayer life, stay in church and in fellowship with Christian friends who encourage you (and also admonish you as needed.) Serve in ministry at your church, putting others before yourself. And do not hesitate to call on a biblical counselor if you are stuck, and she will be glad to come alongside and offer help and hope. These are the things that helped me and I believe they will help you, too, regardless of your struggle.
 
Isaiah 41:10 (ESV) "Fear not, for I am with you;
    be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

Insights from a Counselor’s Life

Proverbs 16:9 "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."

Occasionally people will ask me what I do as a Biblical Counselor and what a typical day looks like. That is impossible to answer because every day is different. I am giving you a snapshot of what happens in just one random weekday in my life. If you are wondering what it is like to be a Biblical Counselor, maybe this will give you some insights.

6:00 a.m. - A text message arrives, startling me out of a deep sleep. It is from a a young woman I am counseling through a very difficult divorce situation. She is having second thoughts as she considering returning to an unrepentant abusive husband. I remind her of the things we have discussed in our sessions. She just needed to know I was praying for her. I don’t mind waking up early. Biblical Counseling is intensely relational and i avail myself 24/7 (with a few appropriate boundaries set.) It is my ministry.

6:15 - I can’t go back to sleep even though I had planned a morning off. I get up and head downstairs for the things that are essential to the beginning of my day:
*Ipad with Logos Bible software
*Coffee

7:30 - After prayer and Bible reading, I start checking emails. I see several that will need to be answered today. I get started so that I can finish them by the end of the day since it is a three day weekend and I want to spend the time with my family. But wait - wasn’t this supposed to be a morning “off”? I don’t mind the emails. It is my ministry.

I spend some time throughout the morning with my daughters who are both at home working through some school work. I grab the moments with them off and on all day so that we stay in communication. My girls are very independent (almost 17, and 19) but they also enjoy time with their mom. We talk about every topic you can imagine and then we go on with our days. I love time with my kids. It is my ministry.

By noon, I am headed to my office at the church. There are counseling appointments to prepare for because they begin right after school. Teenagers need late afternoon appointments due to school schedules. I am privileged to serve many teenage girls. It is my ministry.

As I am preparing (pulling possible homework assignments for the girls who are coming that day, reviewing my notes from prior sessions) my pastor asks to speak with me. We spend about 45 minutes talking through something that came up and needed more clarity. I did not plan for this distraction, but my pastor is really no distraction at all. It is my ministry.

2:00 - Back to the counseling prep. The phone rings. A woman is seeking counseling for her depression. We get acquainted for a few minutes on the phone and make an appointment for next week. I hang up, and pray for her, asking God to protect, encourage, and comfort her while she waits to see me. These phone calls are often the beginning of God-ordained relationships for the purpose of serving others with Gospel-centered care. It is my ministry.

I get distracted by a text message sound. It is from my daughter who attends the local college. She is excited to tell me about a good meeting she had. I then text my younger daughter, just to check in. She’s fine, she says. Contact with my children is no distraction at all. It is my ministry.

2:30 - Back to the counseling prep. I get distracted by the “ding” of my Facebook messenger, and I check it. It’s a woman from my church asking to get together to talk over some concerns of hers. I write back, and we set a date for coffee tomorrow. It really is no distraction at all. It is my ministry.

2:50 - Back to the counseling prep. I get distracted again, this time by my dad calling. I always answer him if I am not in a counseling session because I am his primary helper. He doesn’t understand “wait until I am not so busy,” so I pick up the phone. He is just lonely and wants to tell me about his day. I listen and remind myself to keep a grateful heart that I get the great privilege of tending to my elderly father in this season after the death of my mom. This “distraction” is really no distraction at all. It is my ministry.

A text from my husband comes in - “what are we doing for dinner?” “I have no idea,” I answer. He says he will go to the store to pick something up. He’s great like that - he and I both work hard all week and we share the load. He does laundry every day. Yes, I am a blessed woman. Hearing from him is no distraction at all. It is my ministry.

3:15 - 15 minutes left before my first teen counselee arrives. Final prep is done, and I’m ready. After a cup of coffee and a quick check of my Facebook feeds. There is a question posted on my business page, so I take a minute to reply to it. I enjoy connecting with people from all over the globe. It is my ministry.

I get a text from a close friend. She would love to meet for coffee this afternoon. I tell her that today is my “marathon counseling day." I stay late to see all the teen girls I am counseling once a week. So we make a breakfast date instead for tomorrow. I purpose to intentionally make time for my friends through the week. They don’t realize this, but they are a critical part of my ministry. Without them, I would be way too serious, too self-focused and lose perspective. They sharpen me, laugh and cry with me, and let me in to their lives and I love them dearly. There is always time for friendship if we choose it. I choose it. Friendship is no distraction at all. It is my ministry.

I say a prayer for my counselees who are about to walk in. I ask The Lord to set me aside so that it is only the Spirit Who is the true Counselor. I ask for wisdom, insight, and discernment. I ask for clarity. I ask for these young ladies to have courage to be honest with me, knowing that they possibly won’t be. It’s ok, I tell them, God is patient and because of His Spirit in me, I can be patient, too. Secrets that result from shame take time to surface. I pray that they will surface so that we can apply The Gospel and God’s Word and watch Him change their hearts. He will. In His timing, not mine. Prayer is essential. It is my ministry.

3:30 - 7:30 - Three back to back counseling sessions. This is not how I schedule the rest of the week - I would not have the stamina for that much intensity more than once a week. Counseling is intensely draining and nobody can withstand more than a reasonable amount of sessions in any given week. Being involved in this front lines kind of ministry is hard on one’s own soul without proper time management and perspective. Without the Holy Spirit, I would not do what I do. I am not smart enough without Him. He speaks clearly in the sessions, and a little more progress is made in all three hearts. As we counsel, I hear myself say things that I, too, need to hear and apply in my own life. I am sure to offer an appropriate amount of transparency with my counselees, but not so much that I am making this about “me." I am, after all, a sinner just like them. I have many of my own struggles and we can always relate. We all agree to meet again next week. God has once again amazed me with how He knits our hearts together as these are girls and women that I would otherwise never get to know. In my office it feels like a safe warm sanctuary to many. Only God can do that. Thank You, Jesus. (One of the girls confessed a sin she has been hiding from everybody for a year. She weeps, and I cry with her. This particular girl has become precious to me after many months of counseling together. Now God can begin His healing work in her heart. I stop right there and pray that she will clearly understand that she is forgiven in Christ.) I grow to love the people I serve. It is my ministry.

I type up some notes to reflect what we covered in the sessions, and what progress has been made. I note some things that I want to address next time. I send a follow-up email to one of the parents, asking if they could accompany their daughter to the next appointment to work through some family dynamics together. I thank her again for allowing me the great privilege of walking alongside her daughter in this season of healing from her past. I also remind her to remind her daughter to do the homework I assigned because the homework takes her to God’s Word where her true counseling happens between her and The Lord. I have been showing her how to interactively study what He has to say about her sin and her suffering. Counseling is more than just one session. It is the preparation and prayer ongoing as well as the connection and relationship between sessions. It is my ministry.

7:45 - I head home. Exhausted. Thankful. Blessed. Amazed that God would use someone like me to help others with His Word. I am just as hungry and thirsty for help from His Word as my counselees are. I end the workday in awe of The Gospel that not only saves us, but changes us in this daily process we call sanctification. 

I eat a late dinner, sit down with my family who all happen to be home this night, and relax with our favorite show on Netflix. Later, I do some reading for the next book I will review. I love to research resources for counseling and mentoring. It is my ministry.

Before I go to bed, I open my laptop to look at tomorrow’s calendar. It will be a different day than today. I will be working on a new writing project, doing some social media marketing, and checking in with my Board of Directors. No counseling tomorrow - it is going to be a day that is all about the business end of running a Nonprofit ministry. And breakfast with my friend! 

I also notice an email from a colleague that I want to address right away because I want to always be attentive to those who have come alongside me and have been giving me opportunities to write, speak, and promote Word of Hope Ministries online. I pinch myself again because these opportunities are not things I would have sought for myself, but I am blessed to go where God leads. It is my ministry.

My days are varied. No two are ever the same. I juggle many business and ministry tasks and somehow it all gets done with time left for family and friends. I often ask God to “multiply my time” and He is faithful to somehow do it. I can’t explain it, but I am grateful for it! 

Life as a Biblical Counselor is good. God is good. It is HIS ministry.

Galatians 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

I was recently privileged to review "Good News for Weary Women" by Elyse Fitzpatrick at the Biblical Counseling Coalition website. You can see the original review posted HERE. I am now posting the review here as well because I have been telling every woman I know "YOU HAVE GOT TO READ THIS BOOK!" Here's why:

Women Are Weary
A few months ago, I saw a post on Elyse Fitzpatrick’s Facebook page asking for input. She said “I’d like to know the dumbest things people tell women they have to do in order to be godly.” Hundreds of women responded, and it was extremely insightful and also troubling. Those weary women’s responses revealed a need for a different approach than the average Christian bookstore offers. Many “Christian self-help” books on the market insist on giving women a step-by-step process towards godliness, but Elyse’s book, Good News for Weary Women: Escaping the Bondage of To-Do Lists, Steps, and Bad Advice, gives women a better way—the way of freedom and grace found only in the gospel.

I just need to do ______ (you fill in the blank) for God to be pleased with me. What list of “rules” do you use to try to make yourself feel good enough? Where do you go for advice? What step-by-step plan do you have for improving yourself? In Good News for Weary Women, Elyse shows us the way to freedom from the bondage of our lists, rules, and bad advice.

“There is good news for you. You don’t need to learn secret steps, try harder, wear yourself out in an attempt to be beautiful, snag Mr. Perfect, or raise perfect children. You are already welcomed, loved, forgiven, and completely okay....And you can love Him because He has already loved you” (xii).

There Is Good News
Elyse builds her case that the gospel has been forgotten when it comes to how and where women are getting their advice for how to live and please God. She accounts for the pressures from the media, things we watch and read, and even from our churches. These pressures have led women to have a warped view of “success.” “…as if success were a Christian construct or our sanctification depended on anyone other than Christ” (xvii).

Throughout the book, we are taken on a journey to see how we have succumbed to the temptation and tendency to be performance-driven women. In every chapter a woman will find herself both convicted and challenged to reconsider how she views the impact of the gospel on her own heart and life. 

A look at the history of how women’s roles have been historically addressed reveals the lies we have believed that hinder our understanding of identity. We are then given a biblical view of our true identities as believers. “And belief in the good news is the only way for you to find freedom in your identity in Christ” (16).

A look at our strivings to earn God’s favor reveals a critical error in our thinking. Throughout the chapters we are presented with the Biblical antidote to our wrong-thinking. “God is already pleased with us if we are in His Son.”

A look at our self-effort to keep ourselves clean is countered throughout the book. The remedy, the gospel, is given. “…we need to remember the gospel every day: we are already loved, already perfected, already approved of, already justified.”

A look at the defeating ways that we try to assure ourselves that we are okay reveals our denial of Christ. Elyse walks us through scriptural teaching that counters our performance-driven mindset. “Our pursuit of self-perfection is a denial of Christ because it is His work to make us okay, to justify us.”

Every concept in every chapter points us to the gospel as the answer to our weariness. Elyse’s ability to point women to Truth from God’s Word brings hope to their struggles as she winds up the book with a replacement for our exhausting and impossible to-do lists. This new list is God’s list for us, and it IS good news to the woman who needs an escape from the bondage of performance!

Heart Change Through Practical Application of Truth
Elyse teaches us from a perspective of honesty and transparency about her own struggles and temptations through her life. She is entirely relatable, which makes it easy to recommend this book. It is full of applicable scriptural teachings throughout each chapter. There are also more Scriptures to study along with reflective questions at each chapter’s end. There are more Scriptures that target women’s specific struggles in the appendix for some deeper study and reflection. The questions are helpful to assist the reader to personalize and make practical the excellent teachings that are targeted to the heart of our weariness.

I intended to read this as a potential book to use as homework for my counselees. I also hoped it would be beneficial for the women I am training to be mentors to the younger generation. It did not disappoint, but it also became very convicting to my personal walk as I was challenged to look at the areas of my own heart that are given over to the idolatry of self as I, like all women I know, struggle with remembering the gospel every day as Elyse teaches so clearly.

Good News for Weary Women is useful for both individual and small group reading and study. It would also be an excellent tool for a counselor or mentor to read and discuss with a woman she is helping. I recommend every Christian woman read this book as it biblically addresses our desire to fully trust and rest in Christ.

Counselor, Mentor, Friend: 
Are you upholding the sufficiency of Scripture? Are you thinking Biblically about the people you are helping and their circumstances? Are you applying the Gospel to their sin and their suffering?

Sometimes I feel like a fish swimming upstream where Biblical Counseling and Mentoring is concerned. I imagine other Biblical Counselors or those in any type of helping ministry feel this way from time to time, too. It can be a lonely calling.

Come to think of it, I think Christians in general feel like fish swimming upstream in our current culture. Jesus even specifically said it would be this way. In John 15:19,  “If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.” God said the world would hate us!

I’m not primarily talking about believers in our culture. I am talking about being a Biblical Counselor within the CHURCH culture, a Biblical Counselor among other believers. I am blessed to attend a local church that preaches a clear Gospel and that supports me as I serve the body of Christ as a counselor and mentor trainer in my church as well as in other local churches and online. Know that I am not in any way coming against my own local church or any particular church. By the contrary, I am referring to the church-at-large, wherever this applies.

As I read books, follow blogs, listen to speakers, listen to conversations, and observe the body of Christ in action, I cannot help but notice how often what is being said or promoted is outside of the sufficiency of Scripture. I believe wholeheartedly in the sufficiency of Scripture, and the more I have grown passionate about this the more sensitive I am to the things people say that puts limits on God’s Word. Especially when it comes to helping people who are hurting. Secular, humanistic philosophies and methods have crept in to the church where they do not belong.

You have probably seen video of salmon as they swim upstream. They have to swim against currents, through rapids, and up waterfalls. The fish are aiming towards the goal of spawning to create a new generation. It takes every bit of strength they have. If they make it to the goal and complete their task, they soon die. Sounds a bit like a picture of the Christian life! And the life of someone who is dedicated to helping hurting people and raising up a new generation of believers who adhere to the sufficiency of Scripture.

The goal of all believers, and the goal of Biblical Counseling and Mentoring is the same as God’s goal for His people – to become like Jesus. Romans 8:29 says, “For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son…”

Pursuing Christlikeness in our current culture is like the salmon facing many obstacles on its journey, obstacles that want to take it in another direction entirely. At times, Biblical Counseling faces the same dynamic as it comes up against the obstacles of secular and humanistic ideas that have become common in our churches, especially in areas of caring for the hurting.

I did a little online research about the salmon’s trek upstream, and noted that sometimes a salmon will hide behind a rock where the current is calm, so that it can rest up for the remainder of the journey. When we are swimming upstream against a culture that denies the sufficiency of Scripture we, too, can stop and rest up for the remainder of the journey.  We must rest to reflect on God’s good provision and love for us, which empowers us to press on. It is a long journey and it will do us well to rest. As Jesus says in Mark 6:31, “And he said to them, ‘Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.’”

There is an important difference between Christians and the salmon, and this is where our analogy breaks down. A salmon only has itself and its own determination and instinct to get to the goal. We have a Savior in Jesus Christ. The Holy Spirit empowers us, and God has promised to complete the work He began in us.

When I am discouraged about the upstream swim ahead of me, I remind myself of God’s faithfulness provided in The Gospel. We do not have to rely on our determination, stamina, or will. We can rely on Him Who saves.

Philippians 1:6 “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

Counselors and mentors, everyone: fine tune your radar and start to notice how often unbiblical advice is given. Sometimes, you and I may feel as if we are swimming upstream when others do not seem to notice that something unbiblical is being offered up as helpful. We must be sure we are thinking Biblically! And we must be sure to apply the Gospel to both the sin and the suffering in each other’s lives. Doing so will potentially cause others to swim upstream alongside us. That would be a lot less lonely!

I never saw myself as THAT woman. You know the one. 

She is exhausted. Overwhelmed. Spent. Fatigued. Sick. Out of sorts. Lacking self-control. Discouraged. Too busy. Can’t make a decision. Spread too thin. Friendships struggling. Spiritually dry. Lacking joy and peace. 

She’s THAT woman who can’t seem to discern or find insight in to why she is feeling so done. So she keeps putting one foot in front of the other, spinning all the plates in her life, until God says “ENOUGH”.

She didn’t mean to become THAT woman. She knew better. 

Matthew 11:28-30 says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Jesus tells all who are weary and burdened to come to Him for rest. He doesn’t mean physical burdens. He means the heavy burden of a system of works that the Pharisees put on the people that Jesus offered to relieve (Matthew 23:4).

The yoke He refers to is the yoke of self-righteousness and legalism.

THAT woman is a grace-believer, not a legalist. Or so she thinks. She is not self-righteous. Or so she thinks. In her heart she believes in grace, and she serves to impart grace to others. Then how did she become THAT woman? 

Jeremiah 17:9 says “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

Her thoughts about herself betrayed her. She believed her motives to be pure, she believed she was doing all the things she was supposed to be doing. If that was true, then how did she become THAT woman? Something was amiss. She felt burdened to the point of dysfunction. Until God said “ENOUGH” and showed her the sin in her own heart was the problem. It wasn’t the spinning plates that caused the problem. It wasn’t about her circumstances. It was about her heart.

She’s a people-helper. People-helpers are prone to neglecting their own needs. Ironic, no?

There are so many legitimate needs in front of her. Kids, husband, counselees, mentees, business colleagues, church people, friends, extended family - they all have deep and serious needs that she is sensitive to. She is capable of helping them because she is gifted for it. What she is not capable of is helping every single one of them at the same time. She knows the word “no”, but finds it hard to say it to needy people. Not because she fears man and does not want to let them down, but because she loves them and thinks that it is her assignment from God to serve them.

As she examines her heart and allows God to search it, she learns a few things. She learns that she indeed does struggle with legalism and self-righteousness, the kind that Jesus wants to bear for her. She has been over-serving. Yes, there is such a thing! She spends her days doing good things, but has been learning that not all good things are best. She learns that one woman cannot possibly be available to every need in front of her. She needs wisdom and discernment to take on only what God has truly assigned to her. She gets so busy serving that she has lost sight of how to have this level of wisdom and discernment.

She knows the importance of practicing what she teaches. Spend plenty of time in study of God’s Word. Read it. Meditate on it. Memorize it. Enjoy it and see Jesus in it. Be sure to have a meaty prayer life, which is too easily neglected. Stay in fellowship with those who will edify and encourage. Be fed by the local church community. Nurture relationships, most of all family. 

She might say “But I do all those things and they just make me more tired!” And then, God speaks to her from His Word. He again says “my yoke is easy…..”.   By His perfect fulfillment of the Law of God, He carried the burden that we were meant to carry. Because of the Gospel, we no longer need to bear the heavy load. She needs to let this Truth sink in, and believe it.

In her heart of self-righteousness, she has thought that she had to be the one to help with all these needs. But the Truth is that the One and Only is the best supplier of those needs, and the load is not too heavy for Him. She needs to turn to Him to lay her burdens down, and encourage those who need help to do the same.

I am less THAT woman now than I was a couple of months ago. But I realize I stand in danger of becoming her again if I do not stay focused on the One who carries the burdens - mine, and yours. The life lived by faith is a much lighter yoke and an easier burden to carry than legalism and self-righteousness. THAT woman forgets this amazing kind of grace. 

Are you THAT woman? Jesus offers to relieve you of the heavy burden, too. Thank you, Lord.