The first “mentor” we ever meet is our mother. I realize there are exceptions because of hard circumstances, but many people have a mother-figure in their lives at birth and through the rest of their lives.
 
Whether our mothers would have considered themselves a “mentor” or not, they really were our first such relationship.
 
If you are a mother, have you seen yourself as a mentor to your children? Whether you are intentional about it or not, you are a mentor.
 
According to the Britannica Dictionary:
”Mentor: someone who teaches or gives help and advice to a less experienced and often younger person.”
 
A mother fits that description! Many other descriptions of mentoring include statements such as “a mentoring relationship is generally long-term” and “often includes life skills and guidance”. If you have a mom or are a mom, I think you can see that a mother really is a type of mentor and the first mentor we encounter in life.

A mom as a mentor offers the potential for lifelong guidance as they shape their children’s character. They instill values and confidence. They help a child to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. They are a child’s cheerleader and role model. As trusted advisors, they help their kids navigate life's hardships and learn to care about others. A Christian mom introduces them to the gospel and models how to love Jesus and live a life that reflects Him to others.
 
The type of mentor your mother was/is matters. Consider how your relationship with her shaped you. It can be complicated, can’t it?! Most lifelong relationships are complicated! The type of mentor you are as a mother also matters. Consider how you are shaping your children as you raise them, or how you relate to them as adults. These, too, are complicated relationships sometimes!
 
The Bible never pretends that family relationships are always simple. Scripture is filled with stories of brokenness, tension, loss, jealousy, disappointment, and pain within families.
 
Sarah struggled with infertility.
Hagar felt rejected and abandoned.
Naomi experienced devastating loss.
Hannah wept for the child she longed for.
Mary watched her Son suffer on the cross.
 
Even in the middle of those painful stories, God remained present.
 
One of the most comforting truths in Scripture is that God sees what others cannot.
 
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18
 
For those of you who struggle with complicated feelings about your mother, you are not alone. For years, I wanted nothing more than to have my mom’s approval. To this day, I am not convinced that I had that. But before she died, I was able to come to terms with my relationship with her. Long story short, I learned to accept that I didn’t know much about her past. I am not certain what shaped her in a way that led to our complicated relationship. I never learned enough about her background to give me understanding, because she just did not share those things. I can only imagine she had some kind of hurts, disappointments, and other things that really had nothing to do with me. I learned to see her as the same as me - a woman and mother with struggles mixed with joys that shaped us into the women that we became. I forgave her and stopped taking it personally.
 
What kinds of things do you need to sort out when it comes to your relationship with your mom? Do you know when/why/how to forgive?
 
The first person you probably received true forgiveness from was your mom. Moms are often unconditional in their love for their children, aren’t they?
 
We are the first example of forgiveness to our children, too. That reflects the gospel, and that is what matters most. We also model imperfection, don’t we? With imperfection comes the need to see ourselves not as failures, but as daughters of God, wholly loved and forgiven, with an identity in Christ, not in how good or bad a mother we are. We are not capable of perfection, but we do not have to be! Jesus is perfect, and we wear that righteousness as believers.
 
I struggled as a younger mom with feeling like I was failing at motherhood, and I had regrets about a lot of things. MOM GUILT, we call that. I learned that God’s grace is enough to cover all that, He does not hold anything against me, and I am not in control over the things I felt guilty about. There is a remedy for guilt, and I needed and still need to be reminded of that. Applying the gospel to motherhood has kept me from staying stuck in regret.
 
What kind of mom-guilt are you experiencing? Do you know how to apply the gospel to that guilt? It is the only real freedom. If you are stuck, know that there is hope. Reach out to a trusted mentor, counselor, or spiritual advisor.
 
Let’s be grateful for our moms, even when the relationship is or was rough. God wastes nothing, not even a difficult relationship. He teaches us through those experiences to trust Him, accept our identity in Him, forgive others, and love others well.
 
Let’s also be grateful for the privilege of being a mom. Even if those relationships are rough, and even if things haven’t turned out the way you dreamed they would. Again, God won’t waste it in your life or in your children’s lives.
 
If this Mother’s Day is hard for you, you are not alone. Me, too. It’s okay to feel your feelings; it is necessary to feel in order to find some healing. The way that I do that is to revisit the gospel, what it means to me and my identity, and believe that I am fully loved, even if my experiences with motherhood in general have been complicated. None of those complications changes one single thing about who I am in Christ, and that heals my heart today.
 
It’s tempting to put our worth, hope, and identity in MOTHERHOOD.
 
Notice: not even one of these verses says that your worth, hope, and identity are found in having had a perfect mother or being a perfect mother. I looked but couldn’t find it.
 
New Creation (2 Cor 5:17): Old things have passed away, and the new has come.
God's Child/Heir (1 John 3:1, Gal 4:7): You are loved, adopted, and no longer a slave.
His Workmanship (Eph 2:10): Created for good works planned by God.
Chosen and Holy (1 Pet 2:9): A royal priesthood set apart to proclaim His praises.
Hidden in God (Col 3:3): Your life is secure with Christ.
Righteousness of God (2 Cor 5:21): Made righteous through Christ. 
United with Him (Gal 2:20): Christ lives in you.
Redeemed (1 Cor 6:20): Bought with a price; you belong to God.
Citizen of Heaven (Phil 3:20): Your ultimate home is not of this world.
Sealed (2 Cor 1:21-22): Anointed and marked by the Holy Spirit. 

I hope that Truth heals your heart today, too.
 Ellen
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Words are Powerful 

A Mother’s words hold power. Her words have the ability to show love, encouragement, and care. They also have the ability to wound, discourage, and demean.

Matthew 12:34–35 “You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil.”

Our words reveal what is in our hearts at the deepest level – in our thoughts, beliefs, and desires. When sin rules in our hearts, it will show outwardly in our behavior and words. Mothering is a rewarding life role, but it can also be exhausting, draining, and difficult at times. In her exhaustion, personal pain, and suffering, a mother might say things to her child that are sinful and damaging.

Matthew 12:36-37 “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak,for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

An exhausted mom is more likely to lash out with her words. Some women also have unresolved heart issues or difficult life circumstances that tempt them to sinfully express anger and frustration directed towards their family. For example, these are phrases spoken by mothers that I have heard from teens who are navigating difficult relationships with their moms:

“You are so stupid.”
“You need to obey or you can’t live here anymore.”
“You are such a slut!”
“You will never succeed.”
“You have been nothing but a problem to me.”
“You either get straight A’s, or we will not take you on the family vacation.”
“I hate you.”

The Tongue is a Fire

James 3:6 “And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.”
When a mother uses her words harshly, she is setting her home on fire, in a sense. She uses words that discourage, wound, kill and destroy.

A teen on the receiving end of such blazing hot words is crushed and demoralized. She feels unsafe and unloved, to say the least. She might either turn inward and become depressed and possibly resort to self-injury, suicidal thoughts, and other destructive but quiet behaviors, or she might act out outwardly in rebellion and open disobedience. These often become the presenting problems that bring a teen to counseling. When that teen tells her story, the destructive dynamic between her and her mother is revealed.

Not only do these flaming words wound the teen, they also hinder the mom’s relationship with The Lord. She is in sin, and must repent in order to restore her relationships with God and her family.  The gospel makes this possible.

Hope and Help

Some things to put in place in order to restore your relationship with your child, and ultimately with The Lord:

*Ask God to help you to search your heart and be honest before Him about your sinful words. God will change your heart as you seek Him.
*Confess. Repent. Receive God’s forgiveness. Preach the gospel to yourself.
*Share all of this with your husband, too. Have him sit with you while you reconcile with your child.
*Seek forgiveness from your husband and your child.
*Find a friend or counselor to hold you accountable and to talk through your heart issues. Make sure it is someone who holds to the sufficiency of scripture and who can help you to think biblically and apply the gospel to your struggles with sin and suffering.
*Be involved in church in order to grow in sanctification. Be honest and transparent there.
*Be in God’s Word, have a meaty prayer life, and do not forsake fellowship.
*If you slip up and say harsh words, quickly go through the process of reconciliation again.
*Be sure that your teen is getting biblical help, too. The fire may have been put out, but the burns hurt for awhile. Your teen needs to know there is hope in the gospel and in God’s Word. She needs godly, wise counsel and discipleship.
*Put off/put on. In Ephesians 4:22-24, there is a principle we will call the “put off/put on principle”. You do need to “put off” harsh words, but you also need to replace them by “putting on” words that will uplift, encourage, and show love to your child.
The apostle Paul, in Ephesians 4:29 wrote, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Moms, you can choose to speak only edifying words to your child, even when you are exhausted, frustrated, and even if your child is being disobedient and rebellious. It is possible, with God’s help and the help of your church community, to avoid setting your household on fire with your words.

Colossians 4:6 “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”
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Have you spoken words that have set your household on fire? If so, what will you do today to put out the fire to heal and restore your family? Please do not wait another day.

While you are there, please consider supporting this important Coalition, thanks!

This week I came across something on my Facebook feed that rubbed me wrong (that’s a slight understatement, I actually might have come just a little unglued over this!) It was a post by a very well known women’s ministry run by a renowned author, speaker, and radio personality. It is also a Bible Study ministry. Many of you follow this Page like I do, for its nuggets of encouragement for women. 

My desire in writing this is not to slander another woman in ministry, but to encourage you who follow these things to be discerning. This is more evidence of how much the humanistic psychological thinking of the world has crept in to the church. If you don’t watch for it (by learning to think Biblically), it can entrap you in its snare like it trapped me for so many years until God opened my eyes.

This particular post has to do with a Bible Study this woman’s ministry offers - which is about whether or not we are "messing up our kids"  and what to do about our guilt. Here is a portion of the post:

"This FREE study will equip you to:
* Overcome the weight of mom-guilt and learn how to forgive yourself for honest mistakes.
* Stop comparing yourself to “perfect” moms by turning to God for perspective, guidance and permission to be the mom He’s created you to be.
* Anchor your identity to who you are in Christ instead of chaining your worth as a mom to your kids’ fragile choices."

Ladies, we need to use discernment and think Biblically. What in the above quote troubles you? Where is there a lack of Gospel-focus? Did you catch it? Some of what is said in this quote and elsewhere in their longer description sounds Biblical enough. But there is that one phrase that I just can’t get past.

I am passionate about a lot of things related to the Gospel, but this one point has become my #1 message in my life and ministry. It is this: SELF-FORGIVENESS is not a Biblical concept. I was so disappointed to see that sentence in the description of this study that no-doubt will gather lots of participants and interest. 

Moms do struggle with the weight of “mom-guilt” described here. Moms are desperate for relief from this type of guilt that weighs them down. I know this to be true personally, and I know this to be true in my counseling ministry. I don’t know how they think that they teach you in this study to “forgive yourself” because there are no scriptures to support this kind of thinking. 

There is no other answer to this mom-guilt than this: THE GOSPEL. Ladies, you WILL fail at mothering. You will sin against your children. You will make mistakes that cause regret. You will never be the perfect parent. Your parenting will impact your children, both in good ways and bad. This is a given in this fallen world! But the answer to all this guilt does not lie within yourSELF. It is in the Gospel and Jesus is enough.

Here is a quote from Rick Thomas, an insightful Biblical Counselor. He says this:

"Stop blaming—Let’s go ahead and get this out of the way—you were a bad parent. So am I. None of us are good parents. What parent can stand up and say, “I did it right. I know how to parent children well.” That’s idiotic and you know it.

If you are tempted to rehearse what you did wrong as a parent, then I call you to repentance. We all have messed up. Could it be any other way? The person who over-focuses on where they messed up and wallows in regret has a small view of God.”

Maybe you, like I once was, are stuck in that over-focus on where you have messed up, wallowing in regret with a small view of God. Rick gave you the answer to that: repentance. The Gospel provides forgiveness as well as everything you need for change. It is your source of strength. If you are trying to muster up self-forgiveness, you will never find relief. 

Trying to do yourself what God has already done on your behalf is never going to relieve your guilt! 

Believing the clear Gospel message that Jesus bore your guilt on the cross is all the relief you need. There is nowhere in the Bible that teaches you that you must also “forgive yourself.” You cannot do it. And Christian, why would you need to when the God of the universe already forgave you? And if you are not a Christian and you struggle with mom-guilt, your answer is not in yourself and some notion that you can forgive yourself. Your answer is in The Gospel. You can be forgiven by God Himself.

I once gave a testimony about mom-guilt and self-forgiveness, several years ago. Some of my circumstances have changed since then (not necessarily for the better as some of my adult children are still not walking with God in spite of being raised in a Christian home - if you can relate to this, you will benefit from this testimony.) What has not changed is this one fact: Jesus is STILL enough. 

Have a listen by clicking on this link:

Self-Forgiveness is Not Biblical