Relationships Take Effort

What do these phrases have in common: “I am too busy”, “I am not good at it”, “I don’t need others”, “it is too much trouble”? These are all common excuses for living our lives with no room for others.

There are many one-another verses in the Bible. This should help us to realize how significant our relationships are as Christians. We can’t practice the one-anothers unless we are engaged in relationships! But some people may find this realization discouraging rather than encouraging. Some may find relationship-building difficult due to the fear of man that can manifest in our lives in a variety of ways. Others are struggling with broken relationships. We may find ourselves disappointed due to unmet expectations. Perhaps we fear rejection and avoid relationships by keeping ourselves too busy to engage. Sometimes, we simply do not make room for others in our lives.

God’s Word is clear that we are not meant to walk through life on our own. If we do not make room for other people in our lives, we will miss one of the means of grace that God has given us for our good and His glory. Relationships must be cultivated and considered to be part of our sanctification process. Hospitality and relationship building take time and effort, but they are essential.

We Need Relationships

We live in a culture that promotes independence, individualism, and autonomy. The Bible, however, promotes community, dependence on God, and relationship. People can attend and be a part of a local church, and not experience true community because the culture has crept into the church. Many people in our churches experience more loneliness than belonging and acceptance. Many Christians do not have significant relationships even within their own church contexts.
We can glean some important lessons from the apostle Paul’s ability to establish relationships wherever he went, whether it was during his younger years or during his missionary campaigns as he traveled city to city. In every place, he established and maintained a supportive and encouraging community.

In Paul’s very personal letter to the church in 1 Thessalonians, we see some keys to developing and maintaining relationships.

1 Thessalonians 2:7-8  “But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children.  So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us.”

Cultivating and Maintaining Relationships

A child needing their mother is a picture of a very strong need and intimate bond. God revealed our deep need for others when He said “It is not good for the man to be alone” in Genesis 2:18. Our relationships are not to be taken lightly because they do require effort. Beyond simply reaching out to others, we need to be transparent and share our lives honestly.

Honesty and transparency develop trust in a relationship, drawing people closer to each other. Whenever Paul wrote to a church, he called by name two, three or four people that he was close to. Through his caring interaction with people, these became important gospel-friendships that stood the test of time.

In order for us to develop the kind of relationships we see in Paul’s letters, we need to first admit the need and then reach out to others. We need to model transparency, show genuine care, and engage in the one-another’s of scripture so that our brothers and sisters in Christ are edified and so that God is glorified. When Paul says, in vs. 8, that they were ready to share “our own selves” along with the gospel, we see that he did not hold back. He opened his life to others, and so must we.

In other words, he made room for others. He did not use the excuses that are common today. We make room for others when we purposefully pursue others in our churches through hospitality and friendship. When we make room for others, people will feel loved and cared for as brothers and sisters in Christ.
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Hebrews 10:24-25 “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
 
Are you making room for others? How are you actively maintaining those relationships? If you are not close to others, how can you begin to cultivate authenticity and transparency?

“I Am Too Busy”
 
There is a trend in our current culture – we are too busy. I hear it so often that I fear it has become a badge of honor to some. There is something deep inside all of us that believes that we need to strive and earn God’s favor. This is legalism. But what I am also seeing too often is striving and trying to gain approval and favor from people. Simply put, this is the fear of man. We need to encourage each other to repent of this unbiblical motive of trying to impress people and present ourselves as spiritual wonder-women. Our busyness is often an effort to look spiritually strong and healthy, when in fact the opposite is true.
 
One of the most common topics in mentoring and counseling women is “busyness”. There is much that can be taught and said about this reality. We need to encourage others to prioritize, steward their time well, and to sometimes say “no”. Many women feel that they are too busy for …(fill in the blank!)
 
The one theme that I see all too often is what concerns me the most - women feel too busy for time in God’s Word. I hear it from women of all ages and all walks of life. College students, women who work outside the home, stay home moms, retirees; nobody is immune from this lifestyle of busyness.
 
“I Am Too Busy For Grace”
 
God’s Word is the last thing we should be neglecting! When you say “I am too busy for friends, family, church, and God’s Word” what you are really saying is “I am too busy for grace”! All of these things are powerful means of God’s grace. God’s Word is the priority means of grace for all of us but it is the one that is the most often neglected.
 
The Word of God enables us to grow and mature in the gospel as we see all that the narrative from Genesis to Revelation offers. God’s Word reveals His creation and it gives physical life. The power of the Word is so strong that He raised Lazarus from the dead by his powerful Word in John 11:43! The Word of God also gives spiritual life. “Faith comes by hearing through the word of Christ”, Romans 10:17. Without God’s Word, we would not have armor to be able to fight against the Devil, according to Ephesians 6:10-17. The Word is critical in spiritual warfare that rages all around us at all times.
 
What types of struggles do you have in life? In what ways do you need physical power and spiritual power? Depression, or anxiety? Relational conflict, or unforgiveness? Habitual sin, or victimization? God’s Word sufficiently addresses every single spiritual struggle we endure, no exceptions. When trials come, we can respond to them biblically only if we have been spending time getting to know God more in His Word. His Word is the primary way that He speaks to us. If we are neglecting the Word, we are unprepared for trials that will surely come.
 
Choose Grace
 
Taking time for Bible reading, study, memorization and considering what you have read takes intentionality. We tend to make time for what we really want to do in life. If you really want to make time, you will. Most of us waste plenty of time each day on entertainment, social media, and other less important things that could easily be set aside. We also have time as we are driving, resting, taking a break, which can be used to read or listen to an audio Bible. Be creative! Make the time, there really are very few valid excuses not to.
 
To enjoy and thrive in your walk with God, you will NEED to give time to His Word. If not, you do not stand a chance against the enemy, nor do you have a chance against sin and your flesh. To neglect it because you are too busy is to deny God’s most amazing gift of grace. This challenge to you to spend time in God’s Word is not some kind of legalistic to do list, it is actually LIFE to you. Pray that God would give you a hunger and thirst for it.
 
Getting Practical
 
Some people find a Bible Reading plan useful. If this kind of thing is hard for you to maintain, then simply purpose to spend a little time most days reading through a passage or book of your choosing. You will never regret time spent in God’s Word. Regardless what method, or lack of method you choose; there are some essential principles to keep in mind:
 

1. Read regularly and intentionally.
2. Pray. Pray that The Spirit would help you to understand what you read and to give you understanding. Pray that The Lord would help you to apply His Word to your heart.
3. Memorize Scripture.
4. Study what you are reading. Dig in to some inductive study, read good commentaries, work through a structured bible study book, there are many ways to enhance your bible reading.
5. ENJOY His Word! It is alive, and active! It is His means of grace to you!

To My Younger Sisters in Christ,

As an older woman, I enjoy being a part of your life because I adore you and because God calls me to it. (Titus 2.)

You often let me in to your world – I have been to many gatherings where I cannot help but notice that I am the oldest one there! You are gracious to welcome me.  I love you and want to “do life with you” as you call it (I call it that now, too, sometimes!)

You bless me the most when you seek me out intentionally. When you want advice or a shoulder to cry on or someone to just listen, you have let me in to the deeper struggles in your life and those are burdens I gladly share with you. Thank you for that deep privilege.

There are some things that I often hear as I join in discussion with other older women regarding your generation. The older women are good at talking about these things but we are not always good about passing them on to you (as we are called to do as your mentors!) Forgive us for being fearful of going to these hard places with you. We struggle with insecurities just like you do, and often we think we will say the wrong thing, or push you away. We are also very aware that we have plenty of struggles to address in our own lives and we don’t want you to think we see ourselves as know-it-alls. We have, though, walked through more years on this earth than you have. With that walk comes some wisdom.

Just a few of these things we are concerned about are on my heart. In love, I want to share them with you for you to pray over, speak with your husbands about these things, and of course seek God in His Word regarding these matters. His Word is sufficient, and it does address everything we struggle with at heart.

(My friends reading this, please don’t think I am addressing this to anyone specifically. I am addressing it to all women everywhere.)

*We are concerned about your view of relationships. This is due in large part to the presence of technology in your generation that did not exist in our younger years. We are concerned that you sometimes gauge your relationship “success” based on how many ‘likes’ you get or how many ‘friends’ you have on social media. We have the same temptations, but we also remember what it was like to pick up a phone and call those who did not live nearby or put a stamp on a letter which would take a week or so to arrive. That was the extent of our ability to have relationships and we did much more relating face to face. We think technology is wonderful. I use it daily! But the concern is that it has become a place to hide or a place to say things we would never say in person. As my Facebook feed scrolls by, I am often appalled at some of the things I see Christian young women posting. It is, simply put, ungodly.

Ephesians 4:29 ~ Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

*We are concerned about where you are getting your information that drives your passions (and soapboxes!) So often it is from the internet rather than in God’s Word or from a godly advisor. This is another pitfall we see in social media. It is tempting to post blogs or quotes that are identified as truth when they really are just opinion or bias.  These things often cause divisions among Christians, and can be bad for our witness to unbelievers. We are concerned that you (and we) are not always thoughtful or redemptive in the use of technology.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 ~ Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”

*We are concerned about your tendency to be performance-driven Christian women. Your generation is busier than any past generation. Whether a stay home mom or a working woman, your week is booked solid. There is little time for rest let alone family time that is not scheduled. We see this taking a toll on you, and many of us have fallen in to the same pit of performance mindset. We are concerned for your sake but also for the sake of the Gospel. Performance-driven women are misunderstanding the indicatives of the Gospel and how they cannot be separated from the imperatives. It is in Christ that you are already approved of. Your striving and performance can’t change that approval. There is no more to earn and there is none to lose. You forget this, or you have not studied God’s Word to understand it. It gets lost in the cultural bent towards busyness, and our hearts and churches bent towards legalism. We are concerned that you are not carefully guarding your hearts.

2 Corinthians 5:21 ~ For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

*We are concerned about your generation’s general lack of modesty. Not just your modesty personally, but modesty in general. Our culture is rampant with deviant behavior. True, evil has existed since the fall. But we see more socially deviant behavior than ever, including those who stalk the internet. When we see you post naked pictures of your sweet children, we want you to know that what you see as cute and harmless, someone else sees as temptation.  It’s disgusting to go there in our minds, but it is out of caution and protection for the younger generations that we must consider the impact of EVERYTHING we do online. Be careful, ladies, your children must be protected. We are concerned that you might learn that the hard way. We love you enough to caution you to consider these things from older, wiser women who have seen more of sin’s impact on a family than you have so far.

1 Corinthians 10:31 ~ So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

*We are concerned about your priorities and that your home might be child-centric rather than Christ-centered. Our culture tells you to have your children in activities all through the week and often on weekends. Our culture also tells you that you must keep your children happy and shelter them from life’s storms rather than teach them to face the trials in life by knowing God and walking with Him. Decisions are often made according to the impact on the children rather than on the impact on God’s Kingdom and your marriage and future. Marriages suffer because children come first before the spouse. Worse yet, they come first before Jesus. Church is often missed for the sake of the children's activities. This is new to our generation – Sabbath used to mean something and schools and clubs were considerate of church activities. This shift in culture concerns us because we see how hard it is to raise children who love God and His church. We hope and pray that you are evaluating your priorites and choices in light of the Great Commission and the Great Commandment. Nothing else matters more than loving God and others and spreading the Gospel – not even your family matters more than that. We are concerned that this is getting lost as culture takes root in our churches and in our hearts. We hope to see you and your children rooted in The Gospel and The Word of God.

Matthew 22:37-40 ~ And he said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.

I am convicted by some of this, too, as I read what I felt compelled to write here. Pray for me. I often pray for you. Let’s keep doing life together, intergenerationally, for the sake of the Gospel!

From an older sister in Christ, with love.

Below is an overview of a teaching I did recently at a Women’s Brunch at my church. It is always fun for me to get to speak to my own church family and encourage them with something from God’s Word! The theme of our event was “CONNECTING”. Our key passage was Titus chapter two.

Over the past few weeks, Pastor Shannon has been teaching out of Titus and he recently covered chapter 2. It's a chapter that I camp out in quite often because of the branch of my counseling ministry that focuses on what I call "Biblical Mentoring" that is born out of that chapter in Scripture. 

One of my biggest ministry passions is for intergenerational ministry and bridging the generation gap in the body of Christ. 

What I do besides being a mentor myself is to teach a course for women that equips you to mentor women, including the younger generations, by developing deep relationships with one another. Any time you want to know more about that, just pick up my brochures on the foyer table or better yet, ask me! (And for those reading this on the blog, just browse around the website for more information.)

I'm not going to talk too much about mentoring here today, but it's a good starting point because of the implications of Titus 2. There are specific verses in that chapter that are just for women but let’s look at the entire chapter.

Titus 2: You, however, must teach what is appropriate to sound doctrine. 2 Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.

3 Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

6 Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. 7 In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness 8 and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.

9 Teach slaves to be subject to their masters in everything, to try to please them, not to talk back to them, 10 and not to steal from them, but to show that they can be fully trusted, so that in every way they will make the teaching about God our Savior attractive.

11 For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. 12 It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, 13 while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.

15 These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you.

If you keep those Titus 2 verses 3-5 for women in context of the entire chapter, you see some things that have a lot to do with how we make connections with each other as women. 

Titus 2 IS a charge to the older women to teach the younger women.

I also want to mention what this passage is NOT. It is NOT a to-do list or something you have to accomplish perfectly in order to be ok in God's eyes. Not at all. You “being ok” with God is not dependent on what you do. It is dependent on what Christ already did. We absolutely don't have to be perfect at any of this to achieve God's approval. If you are a believer, you are already approved of 100%, so you can stop striving. This is not about striving, but it is about enjoying Christ and representing Him in your relationships with others in His family.

As much as the context in Titus 2 IS about the older teaching the younger, there is more in the passage than just that. I think we are ok with applying some of the principles in Titus 2 to all of our woman to woman relationships. That is what I want to do today.

The passage has some things to say about the older teaching the younger some specific things. Those things are part of a woman's ROLES that needed to be addressed in that cultural context and they also apply to our cultural context. 

Having said that, don't read this and say that it is saying that women can only be housewives or stay home moms, or have to be married for that matter. These particular roles were mentioned in Titus because of what was going on in the church at that time. Nowhere does it say that those are women's ONLY roles. For our purposes here, just remember that women are free in Christ to fulfill ALL sorts of roles. Married, single, mom, working woman, stay home mom, woman in ministry, and many more possibilities. 

What we are addressing today is how that in any role that you are in, connecting doctrine to your role is what matters most. So think about it like this: It is in the context of our roles that doctrine gets passed to the next generations. That can happen in woman to woman relationships at home, at work, in the neighborhood, at church. Let me expand on that a bit. 

Our roles are what we do, and who we are in life - what God calls us to and what we choose as a lifestyle. Doctrine is what we believe about God's Word. Consider the most essential of all doctrines: salvation. The Gospel. It is the Gospel most of all that needs to be connected to your roles. So it is also in the same context that doctrine, The Gospel above all, should be the focus of all of our relationships. Our roles matter. In those roles, we are encouraged many places in scripture to connect and relate to one another, woman to woman. 

In fact why would there be so many "one another, each other and one to another" passages in Scripture if we weren't supposed to connect and build relationships together?

In your roles, it is important how you live. Those are the things others see in you and they enter in to your relationships with all ages of women. For example, one of my roles is a counselor. That permeates all of my relationships, because being a counselor is a big part of me. In that role as I relate to women, the Gospel is front and center. It is the same with you in your roles....wife, mom, friend, worker, teacher, whatever. In those roles as you relate to women, doctrine, the Gospel, should permeate those relationships.

I realize that there are challenges to all of this:

You are too busy.

You are too shy.

You are too insecure.

You are not equipped to handle the messy stuff.

You don't need friends.

You don't like being around women.

There are no women's groups to join.

You are too tired, stressed, overwhelmed to build relationships.

You probably have your own list you could add to all that.

But let's address those challenges with some really practical ideas. You really can't keep your excuses. Scripture doesn't excuse you, so neither can I. You HAVE to move past the excuses and start connecting with others, especially in our church family. Titus 2 along with all the one-anothers of Scripture are clear on this. So, what to do about it?

Here are some things that I've come up with that I think will help. These are all things I have purposed to do myself, and no they are not all easy and no I do not enjoy them every single time. And no, not every connection has ended up in a solid friendship. But I want to be serious about connecting to the body of Christ. Not for me. Not even primarily for you! But for Jesus. For the gospel.

I have learned that there is only one way to start connecting - it is:

BE INTENTIONAL.

Stop waiting for all your ducks to be in a row. You will never accomplish that. This is not about one more thing on your to-do list, but it is your ministry to one another.

Christ IN you makes it possible, because of the Gospel, to get over ourselves and be intentional about connecting with others.

How do you do it? Here are some things to STOP:

1. stop complaining about how disconnected you feel at church. 

2. stop blaming the church for being unfriendly or not meeting your needs.

3. stop waiting for a formal women's group to start the way you think it should

4. stop making it more about yourself than others.

5. stop using the excuses about how much you don't click with women

6. stop complaining about how nobody encourages you or notices you.

7. stop comparing yourself to other women

8. stop gossiping about other women.

And here are some things to START:

1. Start seeing women in our midst through God’s eyes. We all have issues, no one is worse or better than the other. Those that you compare or judge are the very ones who may need you in their lives.

2.  Start praying for the women of the Harbor. For the years that I led women's ministry, I made sure to pray for every woman in this church by name every week. I'm not bragging! I am just saying that if I can do that, so can you. Or just pray for one or two that God has put on your heart! Can you imagine if every single woman attending The Harbor was being prayed for specifically, by name, ongoing?! I would be so encouraged by that, wouldn't you?

3. Start encouraging women. Send emails, notes, facebook posts. Not just to your friends, but to those you don't know as well, too. And maybe even to those you don't like. If you prayed for someone, tell them once in awhile!

4. Start to embrace the differences you see in other women. Diversity is not a bad thing, it is a beautiful part of God's amazing creation! Get to know women who are different from you.

5. Just do it. You don't need a specific women's event to build relationships. We don't need to do this kind of large event often so that you can connect with women. This is a good place to focus on our relationships, but no close friendships are going to happen just by being here today. 

They also don't really happen at church on Sundays. You have to go beyond that - that is more true to the biblical definition of “church" because church is the people, not a place or a time.

In the context of wherever you serve or participate in church, you have many opportunities. What ministry are you serving in? What other women are there? Just start talking with them. Ask them about their lives. 

Tell them about yours. Being intentional means being present. It's the only option if you want to build relationships. Every Sunday morning there are announcements about things that are all opportunities for you. You see each other every Sunday morning - why not acknowledge others?

6. Start to go beyond your circle. It’s easy to stick with the same safe friendships, and good discipleship can be happening there. BUT Titus 2 challenges us to something different than comfort zones.

Once you have made that initial connection, do something with it. Invite for coffee, lunch, or friend on Facebook and interact there. It can be one other woman older, younger or the same age, or a few women, really! Do whatever fits. There are no cookie cutter ideas here. 

Once you make a good connection, move past superficial contact and look at God's Word together. Pray together. Do a gospel-based Bible study together. There are so many possibilities there. 

The church does not have to do this for you, you can do this for yourself by just inviting a friend of two to get to know each other. You do not need a church leader to make this happen. 

You only need yourself and one other woman and your Bibles.

All those starts really are summed up with one statement. It is this:

BE THE ONE.

Stop waiting for someone else to initiate a relationship. Be the one.

We say this other phrase all the time, but it's so true: it's not about YOU. 

It's not about you, but it's not even really about others!

It's about the Gospel.

The relationships we have together are to reflect the Gospel. They were not created for our enjoyment, pleasure and fulfillment (although those can be byproducts of them). They were created for the sake of spreading the Good News. Maybe if we understood this, and if the Gospel became our motivation for relationships, maybe we would not complain so much about being disconnected from others. 

Maybe we would realize our relationships are not even about US. Maybe we would reflect Jesus to others in the context of our relationships as women. This idea of women connecting with other women is serious stuff - it is actually for the SAKE OF THE GOSPEL.

Maybe we should view this as more than friendship building. It is, in reality and in context of Scripture, a Gospel ministry. It's a means of grace, commissioned to us by God.

So my parting comment to you is actually a question for self-reflection out of verses 11-14, which are among the most concise explanation of gospel-centered living found in the Bible. 

By embracing God's Word, and having your heart profoundly affected by The Gospel, you will desire to change from "what can this relationship do for me" to "God is honored when we step outside of ourselves and reflect the Gospel as We intentionally build relationships with his people." 

What honestly motivates you when you seek to build relationships? Is it for you, is it for the other person, or is it primarily for the sake of the Gospel?

Insights from a Counselor’s Life

Proverbs 16:9 "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."

Occasionally people will ask me what I do as a Biblical Counselor and what a typical day looks like. That is impossible to answer because every day is different. I am giving you a snapshot of what happens in just one random weekday in my life. If you are wondering what it is like to be a Biblical Counselor, maybe this will give you some insights.

6:00 a.m. - A text message arrives, startling me out of a deep sleep. It is from a a young woman I am counseling through a very difficult divorce situation. She is having second thoughts as she considering returning to an unrepentant abusive husband. I remind her of the things we have discussed in our sessions. She just needed to know I was praying for her. I don’t mind waking up early. Biblical Counseling is intensely relational and i avail myself 24/7 (with a few appropriate boundaries set.) It is my ministry.

6:15 - I can’t go back to sleep even though I had planned a morning off. I get up and head downstairs for the things that are essential to the beginning of my day:
*Ipad with Logos Bible software
*Coffee

7:30 - After prayer and Bible reading, I start checking emails. I see several that will need to be answered today. I get started so that I can finish them by the end of the day since it is a three day weekend and I want to spend the time with my family. But wait - wasn’t this supposed to be a morning “off”? I don’t mind the emails. It is my ministry.

I spend some time throughout the morning with my daughters who are both at home working through some school work. I grab the moments with them off and on all day so that we stay in communication. My girls are very independent (almost 17, and 19) but they also enjoy time with their mom. We talk about every topic you can imagine and then we go on with our days. I love time with my kids. It is my ministry.

By noon, I am headed to my office at the church. There are counseling appointments to prepare for because they begin right after school. Teenagers need late afternoon appointments due to school schedules. I am privileged to serve many teenage girls. It is my ministry.

As I am preparing (pulling possible homework assignments for the girls who are coming that day, reviewing my notes from prior sessions) my pastor asks to speak with me. We spend about 45 minutes talking through something that came up and needed more clarity. I did not plan for this distraction, but my pastor is really no distraction at all. It is my ministry.

2:00 - Back to the counseling prep. The phone rings. A woman is seeking counseling for her depression. We get acquainted for a few minutes on the phone and make an appointment for next week. I hang up, and pray for her, asking God to protect, encourage, and comfort her while she waits to see me. These phone calls are often the beginning of God-ordained relationships for the purpose of serving others with Gospel-centered care. It is my ministry.

I get distracted by a text message sound. It is from my daughter who attends the local college. She is excited to tell me about a good meeting she had. I then text my younger daughter, just to check in. She’s fine, she says. Contact with my children is no distraction at all. It is my ministry.

2:30 - Back to the counseling prep. I get distracted by the “ding” of my Facebook messenger, and I check it. It’s a woman from my church asking to get together to talk over some concerns of hers. I write back, and we set a date for coffee tomorrow. It really is no distraction at all. It is my ministry.

2:50 - Back to the counseling prep. I get distracted again, this time by my dad calling. I always answer him if I am not in a counseling session because I am his primary helper. He doesn’t understand “wait until I am not so busy,” so I pick up the phone. He is just lonely and wants to tell me about his day. I listen and remind myself to keep a grateful heart that I get the great privilege of tending to my elderly father in this season after the death of my mom. This “distraction” is really no distraction at all. It is my ministry.

A text from my husband comes in - “what are we doing for dinner?” “I have no idea,” I answer. He says he will go to the store to pick something up. He’s great like that - he and I both work hard all week and we share the load. He does laundry every day. Yes, I am a blessed woman. Hearing from him is no distraction at all. It is my ministry.

3:15 - 15 minutes left before my first teen counselee arrives. Final prep is done, and I’m ready. After a cup of coffee and a quick check of my Facebook feeds. There is a question posted on my business page, so I take a minute to reply to it. I enjoy connecting with people from all over the globe. It is my ministry.

I get a text from a close friend. She would love to meet for coffee this afternoon. I tell her that today is my “marathon counseling day." I stay late to see all the teen girls I am counseling once a week. So we make a breakfast date instead for tomorrow. I purpose to intentionally make time for my friends through the week. They don’t realize this, but they are a critical part of my ministry. Without them, I would be way too serious, too self-focused and lose perspective. They sharpen me, laugh and cry with me, and let me in to their lives and I love them dearly. There is always time for friendship if we choose it. I choose it. Friendship is no distraction at all. It is my ministry.

I say a prayer for my counselees who are about to walk in. I ask The Lord to set me aside so that it is only the Spirit Who is the true Counselor. I ask for wisdom, insight, and discernment. I ask for clarity. I ask for these young ladies to have courage to be honest with me, knowing that they possibly won’t be. It’s ok, I tell them, God is patient and because of His Spirit in me, I can be patient, too. Secrets that result from shame take time to surface. I pray that they will surface so that we can apply The Gospel and God’s Word and watch Him change their hearts. He will. In His timing, not mine. Prayer is essential. It is my ministry.

3:30 - 7:30 - Three back to back counseling sessions. This is not how I schedule the rest of the week - I would not have the stamina for that much intensity more than once a week. Counseling is intensely draining and nobody can withstand more than a reasonable amount of sessions in any given week. Being involved in this front lines kind of ministry is hard on one’s own soul without proper time management and perspective. Without the Holy Spirit, I would not do what I do. I am not smart enough without Him. He speaks clearly in the sessions, and a little more progress is made in all three hearts. As we counsel, I hear myself say things that I, too, need to hear and apply in my own life. I am sure to offer an appropriate amount of transparency with my counselees, but not so much that I am making this about “me." I am, after all, a sinner just like them. I have many of my own struggles and we can always relate. We all agree to meet again next week. God has once again amazed me with how He knits our hearts together as these are girls and women that I would otherwise never get to know. In my office it feels like a safe warm sanctuary to many. Only God can do that. Thank You, Jesus. (One of the girls confessed a sin she has been hiding from everybody for a year. She weeps, and I cry with her. This particular girl has become precious to me after many months of counseling together. Now God can begin His healing work in her heart. I stop right there and pray that she will clearly understand that she is forgiven in Christ.) I grow to love the people I serve. It is my ministry.

I type up some notes to reflect what we covered in the sessions, and what progress has been made. I note some things that I want to address next time. I send a follow-up email to one of the parents, asking if they could accompany their daughter to the next appointment to work through some family dynamics together. I thank her again for allowing me the great privilege of walking alongside her daughter in this season of healing from her past. I also remind her to remind her daughter to do the homework I assigned because the homework takes her to God’s Word where her true counseling happens between her and The Lord. I have been showing her how to interactively study what He has to say about her sin and her suffering. Counseling is more than just one session. It is the preparation and prayer ongoing as well as the connection and relationship between sessions. It is my ministry.

7:45 - I head home. Exhausted. Thankful. Blessed. Amazed that God would use someone like me to help others with His Word. I am just as hungry and thirsty for help from His Word as my counselees are. I end the workday in awe of The Gospel that not only saves us, but changes us in this daily process we call sanctification. 

I eat a late dinner, sit down with my family who all happen to be home this night, and relax with our favorite show on Netflix. Later, I do some reading for the next book I will review. I love to research resources for counseling and mentoring. It is my ministry.

Before I go to bed, I open my laptop to look at tomorrow’s calendar. It will be a different day than today. I will be working on a new writing project, doing some social media marketing, and checking in with my Board of Directors. No counseling tomorrow - it is going to be a day that is all about the business end of running a Nonprofit ministry. And breakfast with my friend! 

I also notice an email from a colleague that I want to address right away because I want to always be attentive to those who have come alongside me and have been giving me opportunities to write, speak, and promote Word of Hope Ministries online. I pinch myself again because these opportunities are not things I would have sought for myself, but I am blessed to go where God leads. It is my ministry.

My days are varied. No two are ever the same. I juggle many business and ministry tasks and somehow it all gets done with time left for family and friends. I often ask God to “multiply my time” and He is faithful to somehow do it. I can’t explain it, but I am grateful for it! 

Life as a Biblical Counselor is good. God is good. It is HIS ministry.

Galatians 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

Just a few years ago, a young woman came to visit my church for the first time. I was a greeter that morning, and I noticed her right away because at that time we had very few young adults in our church, especially single ones. She came to service alone that morning. When I met her, I thought “wow, she’s got a lot of personality, I wonder what her story is!” It wasn’t too long before she got involved in the church and one day approached me to be her mentor. She admitted to some struggles and regrets, and wanted help to navigate all of those areas that she was very motivated to change. She shared her story with me with honesty and transparency. That takes courage, and trust, and our hearts were knit together quickly.

And so it began. These past few years that I have been privileged to walk alongside her in her journey to know God more, I have seen a transformation from an insider’s perspective. We never did what I consider “formal counseling.” Instead, we just became friends and talked about everything imaginable. She was the first young woman I really mentored in my current ministry, and it is largely because of her response to my ministry that I became passionate about serving the younger generations of women and girls.

Through the years together, we worked through many life struggles at the heart level. She willingly submitted to my Biblical advice, even when it was very difficult. She sought my input when she met a man that she thought might just be “the one”. She walked in to that relationship carefully, and this man is now her husband and the father of her two children. God always blesses obedience, and this is a perfect testimony about that.

What she doesn’t know, and what came as a surprise over time is that I, too, was changed by my relationship with her. She was not only a mentee, but she became a close friend. To top that off, she became a mentor to a teenage girl who just happens to be my very own 16 year old daughter. I always say “ministry should multiply” and in this case, it definitely has, and it’s been so sweet to mentor someone who then mentors my daughter. 

If you ever meet her, you will see why this relationship has blessed me so much. She is one-of-a-kind and everyone who knows her loves her. She is incredibly relational, and has the ability to make you feel like you are her best friend. She is a natural leader, and a master at connecting people to each other. She loves teen girls and pours hours of herself in to them for the sake of their discipleship. She serves God wherever there is a need, and she loves God’s people. She is relentless about your wellbeing and she can talk you in to saying “yes” when you would rather say “no”. Just try saying “no” to her, and you will see how difficult that is!

This week, she and her family moved to France for her husband’s work. To say that their absence will leave a huge gap in our church, and in my own life personally, is an understatement. Many tears were shed as we sent them off with our love and prayers. We realize that God calls us to serve Him outside of our comfort zones sometimes, but it is hard to say goodbye, isn’t it? I have had a sense of loss and sadness ever since we hugged goodbye. Mentoring sometimes means that we will become very attached. In this case, she has become like a daughter to me - what a priceless gift. 

I am incredibly proud of her - not because of what she has done but because of what she has allowed Christ do in her. She has matured in Him as I have mentored her, and she has grown in many ways that have impacted not only her, but many others.

Why am I telling you about her? Because I want you to consider the ministry of Biblical Counseling or Mentoring for the sake of the younger generations. Titus 2 calls all of us to this, and that is reason enough. But another reason is that you are missing out on a privilege and blessing if you don’t do it. You will be missing out on seeing God use you as an instrument of change in another’s life. We have a responsibility to raise up the next generation in order to fulfill the Great Commission. Mentoring is all about the Gospel, and we are all called to one-another ministry.

I pray that God will break your heart for the younger women and girls so that you will carry the same burden that I do. That burden compels me to emphasize intergenerational ministry in my counseling and training. There are too few willing to serve as mentors - will you please consider how God may be calling you to mentor someone in your sphere of influence?

To my mentee and good friend, I miss you a ton already! Thank you for your friendship and support and sharing your journey with me and caring about my journey as well. I love you dearly, my friend. I can't wait to see you on Skype as soon as you are settled! Our relationship will be from afar now, but it is a comfort to me to know that we will carry on with mentoring thanks to technology. "See" you soon! 

Titus 2:3-5 "Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.”

The church is called the “pillar and support of the truth” by Paul. The truth of God's Word has been preserved and disseminated throughout the ages by the church. All people desiring to grow in the knowledge of the truth and to learn more about God should find a local church that honors and teaches the Bible and begin to benefit from the teaching ministry which is offered there for them by God.

“Although I hope to come to you soon, I am writing you these instructions so that, if I am delayed, you will know how people ought to conduct themselves in God’s household, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and foundation of the truth.” (1 Timothy 3:14-15)

Life On Life, One-Another ministry is often best done in the context of your local church. If we take an honest look at our churches in our lifetime, we have to admit that we have often neglected to care for the souls of our church family in this context.

The apostle Paul explained that the church was the “body of Christ” with Jesus as its “head.”

“And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” (Ephesians 1:22-23)

Paul’s description emphasizes the relationship that each believer and the local church has to Jesus. Since the church is a living organism consisting of people who believe in and follow their Savior Jesus Christ, they are under His rule, and He works through them. Anyone wanting to draw closer to Jesus and experience His working in their lives will greatly benefit from coming into association with a local body of believers.

God’s Word instructs believers not to neglect getting together with other believers. Our purpose as One-Another ministers is to fulfill the Great Commandment and the Great Commission, both within our churches and in our spheres of influence outside the church. Without the local church to edify, encourage, and equip believers, this purpose cannot be fulfilled.

“Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” (Hebrews 10:25)

One-Another ministry is the healthiest when done in the context of the local church whenever possible. You might have many other One-Another relationships outside of your local church body as well, but we are dealing primarily with the type of One- Another ministry in a local church that provides for the “soulcare” of individuals.

What do we mean by soulcare? It is not a new concept. It was established in the New Testament church in Acts 2.

Acts 2:42-47 “42 And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. 43 And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. 44 And all who believed were together and had all things in common. 45 And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. 46 And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, 47 praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.”

The care that believers had for one another in Acts 2 has continued in various forms through the years. It can be defined as “believers speaking the Truth in love anchored in the Word of God, depending on the Holy Spirit.” In our culture, it is called by many names such as:

*Discipling *Mentoring *Teaching *Biblical Counseling *Pastoral Counseling *Spiritual Guidance *Spiritual Formation *Friendship *Spiritual Friendship

A church with a culture of soulcare will bear much fruit. Whatever form the church’s One-Another ministry takes, it must be rooted in God’s Word, exalt Jesus Christ, be empowered by the Holy Spirit, and be loving. Soulcare ministry aims to produce salvation, sanctification, and Spiritual fruit. This is achieved through admonishment, teaching, exhortation, encouragement, comfort, and forbearance.

All believers need soulcare, not just those who are struggling. We all need One-Another ministry in various forms. We do have a tendency in our churches today to neglect the hurting believer. Hurting individuals should be taken care of primarily by the local church, but are often referred out to secular sources of help that will not provide true soulcare. Those sources can have some benefit for learning some behavior management that brings some relief, but they will not provide what we see in our definition of soulcare — “speaking the Truth in love anchored in the Word of God, depending on the Holy Spirit.”

For a believer to have lasting change and hope, she must be helped with some form of soulcare, preferably within her local church. The next best choice would be help from a local Biblically-based counseling ministry. Biblical Counselors are glad to provide counseling to those who come to them from other churches, but all of them would agree that the best scenario would be that local churches become well equipped to counsel, disciple, mentor, teach, and befriend their own church family.

Please realize that there is occasionally an appropriate time for someone to seek Biblical help outside of their local church. If someone’s problems are serious enough that they are seeking counseling, the only option may be an outside Biblical Counselor who can help for a season. The counselor’s goal will be to return the woman to her local church for further discipleship once the counseling has ended. If a person is in need of medical assistance or medication, that has to be addressed by a licensed professional. Even if that is the case, she will need good One-Another relationships in her church family as she undergoes whatever kind of treatment she and her doctor choose.

Let’s caution against creating an environment in our churches where all we talk about are our struggles and problems, but let’s also provide opportunities for hurting people (aren’t we all hurting at some time or other?) to get the soulcare they need, through excellent One-Another relationships.

Paul explains that gifted people have been given to the church in order to bring believers to a place of fruitfulness in service and maturity.

“It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.” (Ephesians 4:11-13)

Counselor, Mentor, Friend: 
Are you upholding the sufficiency of Scripture? Are you thinking Biblically about the people you are helping and their circumstances? Are you applying the Gospel to their sin and their suffering?

Sometimes I feel like a fish swimming upstream where Biblical Counseling and Mentoring is concerned. I imagine other Biblical Counselors or those in any type of helping ministry feel this way from time to time, too. It can be a lonely calling.

Come to think of it, I think Christians in general feel like fish swimming upstream in our current culture. Jesus even specifically said it would be this way. In John 15:19,  “If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.” God said the world would hate us!

I’m not primarily talking about believers in our culture. I am talking about being a Biblical Counselor within the CHURCH culture, a Biblical Counselor among other believers. I am blessed to attend a local church that preaches a clear Gospel and that supports me as I serve the body of Christ as a counselor and mentor trainer in my church as well as in other local churches and online. Know that I am not in any way coming against my own local church or any particular church. By the contrary, I am referring to the church-at-large, wherever this applies.

As I read books, follow blogs, listen to speakers, listen to conversations, and observe the body of Christ in action, I cannot help but notice how often what is being said or promoted is outside of the sufficiency of Scripture. I believe wholeheartedly in the sufficiency of Scripture, and the more I have grown passionate about this the more sensitive I am to the things people say that puts limits on God’s Word. Especially when it comes to helping people who are hurting. Secular, humanistic philosophies and methods have crept in to the church where they do not belong.

You have probably seen video of salmon as they swim upstream. They have to swim against currents, through rapids, and up waterfalls. The fish are aiming towards the goal of spawning to create a new generation. It takes every bit of strength they have. If they make it to the goal and complete their task, they soon die. Sounds a bit like a picture of the Christian life! And the life of someone who is dedicated to helping hurting people and raising up a new generation of believers who adhere to the sufficiency of Scripture.

The goal of all believers, and the goal of Biblical Counseling and Mentoring is the same as God’s goal for His people – to become like Jesus. Romans 8:29 says, “For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son…”

Pursuing Christlikeness in our current culture is like the salmon facing many obstacles on its journey, obstacles that want to take it in another direction entirely. At times, Biblical Counseling faces the same dynamic as it comes up against the obstacles of secular and humanistic ideas that have become common in our churches, especially in areas of caring for the hurting.

I did a little online research about the salmon’s trek upstream, and noted that sometimes a salmon will hide behind a rock where the current is calm, so that it can rest up for the remainder of the journey. When we are swimming upstream against a culture that denies the sufficiency of Scripture we, too, can stop and rest up for the remainder of the journey.  We must rest to reflect on God’s good provision and love for us, which empowers us to press on. It is a long journey and it will do us well to rest. As Jesus says in Mark 6:31, “And he said to them, ‘Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.’”

There is an important difference between Christians and the salmon, and this is where our analogy breaks down. A salmon only has itself and its own determination and instinct to get to the goal. We have a Savior in Jesus Christ. The Holy Spirit empowers us, and God has promised to complete the work He began in us.

When I am discouraged about the upstream swim ahead of me, I remind myself of God’s faithfulness provided in The Gospel. We do not have to rely on our determination, stamina, or will. We can rely on Him Who saves.

Philippians 1:6 “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

Counselors and mentors, everyone: fine tune your radar and start to notice how often unbiblical advice is given. Sometimes, you and I may feel as if we are swimming upstream when others do not seem to notice that something unbiblical is being offered up as helpful. We must be sure we are thinking Biblically! And we must be sure to apply the Gospel to both the sin and the suffering in each other’s lives. Doing so will potentially cause others to swim upstream alongside us. That would be a lot less lonely!

In my experience with training women to become Biblical Mentors, I have held conversations with women about the reasons why they do not mentor the younger generation.

The most common responses are:

Fear of not having anything to offer.

Fear of man (insecurity).

Fear of failure.

Fear of not knowing how to help with deeper life struggles.

Fear of not knowing God’s Word well enough.

Fear of causing more harm than good.

Fear of being transparent.

Fear of giving bad advice.

On the flip side, I have also had many conversations with younger women in the church about the reasons why they do not have a mentor, or why they do not seek out a mentor.

Their most common responses are:

Fear of bothering or burdening someone.

Fear of man (insecurity).

Fear of failure.

Fear that others will not understand her deeper struggles.

Fear that the advice will not be Biblical.

Fear that she won’t be able to follow through.

Fear of being transparent.

Fear that the women they seek out will not be a good match.

God’s Word has much to say about fear. There is one type of fear that is beneficial and encouraged - the fear of the Lord. This is the reverence for a holy God, the respect for His power, the awe of his glory, and the knowledge of his wrath. (Psalm 111:10; Proverbs 19:23; Proverbs 14:27; Proverbs 14:26). There is another type of fear that is to our detriment, and that is something for women to overcome. This fear holds us back from serving God’s people effectively. 

The Bible calls it the “spirit of fear” in 2 Timothy 1:7. The verse says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (NKJV). A spirit of fearfulness and timidity does not come from God.

As we approach our mentoring relationships, we must be sure that the Gospel informs how we proceed. Where there is fear, love is set aside. This is an issue of the heart, and both mentors and mentees will need to do some heart-work in order for the mentoring relationship to be fruitful.

If fear is our ruling force, we will not be able to fulfill God’s command in the second chapter of Titus to teach the younger and be taught by the older. The good news is that there is a remedy for our fear: The Gospel.

To overcome the spirit of fear, we need to trust in and love God completely. 1 John 4:18 describes, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” Only by understanding and believing the clear Gospel message can we trust in and love God completely. We cannot muster up this kind of love on our own, so it must be God’s love for us, God’s love in us, and God’s love pouring out of us that allows more experienced women to engage in healthy relationships with less experienced women.

Scripture is full of “fear not” verses. If fear is holding you back from serving God faithfully, look up these and other Scriptures that speak to our fears: Isaiah 41:10, Matthew 10:31, Psalm 56:11, Job 13:15, and there are so very many more. Using an online Bible verse site and searching the word “fear” will draw up more examples to aid in discovering God’s plan for you.

By receiving The Gospel for salvation and then applying it to our sanctification, we will be able to learn to put all our trust in God. Only then will we no longer be afraid of the things that hold us back.

If you have a heart to mentor or to be mentored, but fear is holding you back, I encourage you to do a bit of heart work and ask The Lord to show you His love for you so that you will be motivated to love him back completely. Only that relationship between you and Jesus will help you to move past your fears and begin to fulfill the command in Titus 2:3-5 to teach the younger women and to be a younger woman being taught by an older woman.

Mentoring relationships are a beautiful, Biblical thing that is beneficial to all of us. If you don’t have one, I encourage you to both serve and be served as mentors and mentees in the body of Christ for your benefit and for God’s glory!